Married for Keeps

10 myths about marriage counseling

2011-10-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

the secret’s out: no marriage is perfect. that said, if every marriage has its problems, why do we put off getting help when we need it? truth is, many couples don’t recognize the value of good marriage counseling. so we’ll cut right to the chase and take a look at [what we think are] ten of the most common misconceptions about marriage counseling:

myth # 1 - “counseling is too expensive. we can’t afford it.” it is true that private therapy can be pricey, but there are alternatives to private therapy. many churches offer some level of counseling that is either free, or provided at a minimal cost. in addition, there are a growing number of counselors who offer group and/or private sessions on a sliding scale (including “married for keeps”). consider the alternative: a divorce is very expensive. your first hour with a divorce attorney would cost about the same as several sessions with a marriage counselor.

myth # 2 - “it won’t do any good.” a good counselor is trained to help identify what is happening in your marriage, and to assist you to take the right steps toward resolving your issues. basically, it boils down to only one thing – are you willing to do what you need to do? regardless of what issues you and your spouse are facing, if you are both willing to get help, then a counselor will be able to help you.

myth # 3 – “it will be two against one, a counselor will take sides.” rarely, and we mean rarely, is a marriage struggling because of the fault of only one of the partners. usually, both spouses have contributed in some degree to the decline in the relationship. a counselor will help you to focus on your part, and help you to face up and deal with whatever that is. in the same way, that counselor will provide the same service for your mate.

myth # 4 – “a counselor will solve all my problems.” there’s an old cliché that works here. “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.” the thought is that you can provide someone the help they need, even the sustenance they require, but there is no way you can force them to partake of it, unless they want to. in order to get the help you and your spouse need, you must be a willing participant. a counselor can help you identify your issues, and equip you with the tools you need to make it, but you will need to apply and practice what you learn. it is up to you to get help, and up to you to walk it out. nothing will happen if you are merely a spectator in the process.

myth # 5 – “we don’t need counseling; we can do this ourselves.” our western culture has taught us that we are independent creatures, completely self reliant and self sufficient. other cultures don’t seem to struggle as much with this roadblock as we do. around the world, it is a common belief that we were created to live in community; that we need each other. somewhere it says “there is wisdom in many counselors”, the thought being that we all need guidance from time to time. would you seek out the advice of an investment broker before you invest? do you get the aid of a real estate broker when you sell your home? what if your child is having trouble at school? would you talk to your child’s teacher or administrator? seems to us that your marriage is at least as important, if not more so.

it is also much more difficult for us to recognize our own blindspots. we all have them. the wisdom in looking to an unbiased third party is that they are not blind to our issues. they can more readily identify unhealthy practices and give us a different perspective on what is happening in our marriage relationship.

myth # 6 – “a counselor just listens, they don’t talk. i can get the same results if i talk to my friends.” some folks have the mental picture of the patient lying on the sofa, and the counselor writing on a pad while commenting “mm hmm” now and again. not so. a skilled counselor will ask you key questions, invite your input, discuss issues with you and present proposed solutions. a counselor will equip you with the tools you need to improve your marriage and assist you both as you gain skill in using those tools.

myth # 7 – “counseling will last forever.” the goal of a responsible counselor is always to bring a couple to health in their relationship so that they can finish the course. it’s true that the number of sessions may vary depending on your needs. when you need a marriage tune-up and some help overcoming your obstacles, you can probably expect to meet with a counselor for a pre-determined length of time, and then be released. your counselor can discuss this with you at the beginning. don’t be afraid to ask those questions.

myth # 8 – “our marriage isn’t that bad. we don’t need that kind of help” – see myth # 5. when is the best time to take your car in for servicing: before or after the engine light comes on? think about it. one characteristic of a healthy marriage is that the couple will occasionally visit a counselor for tune-ups. counseling isn’t just for those in crisis. we encourage couples to take advantage of every marriage conference and seminar they can, whether or not they are in trouble. we do. it keeps us on track. reminds us of what it takes to stay healthy. we consider it an investment. it has been said “the more you invest in your marriage, the more valuable it becomes”.

myth # 9 – “i don’t need the help, my partner does.” we tell couples “if your mate has a problem, then you have a problem”. as we mentioned in myth # 3, it is very rare that both spouses have not contributed in some manner to the problems in the marriage. but, for the sake of argument, if your partner were sick, would you refuse to take him or her to the doctor? in the same way, if it would be helpful to your spouse that you attend counseling together, then in the interest of a healthy relationship, wouldn’t it seem reasonable to do that? frankly, in our experience, this is mostly a male issue. very few women refuse to attend counseling when their husbands request it. so men, perhaps it’s time to demonstrate your love in a practical way and just say yes.

myth # 10 – “if we get counseling, everyone will know that we’re seeing a counselor.” an ethical marriage counselor would never disclose the issues of your sessions, let alone that you are even a client. in addition, there are privacy laws that prevent those kinds of disclosures. you can rest assured that the only people who will know you are going to counseling, are the people you tell.

downsizing

2011-09-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

it has almost become a national pastime. everywhere we go it’s a topic of conversation. even corporate america is downsizing. for many reasons, be it economics or the need to streamline, businesses and individuals are trimming back.

for a couple of years we had been feeling the urge to simplify our lives. at times our schedules would get so busy they would crowd each other out. our house filled with all the stuff we had accumulated over the years. as our family grew so did our possessions. with the passing of each of our parents, much of their households were assimilated into ours. when the grandkids started arriving, vickey kept a stash of toys, games, and creature comforts. her intent was that there would be enough to keep every grandchild occupied, and each of their parents comfortable.
for us the equation was “more stuff + more busy-ness = more maintenance + more time and less energy”. the question remained, begging an answer . . . “will you simplify?” although attracted by the idea of downsizing, our dilemma was not knowing how or where to begin.

all of that changed when we were offered an office/home in the historic village of arroyo grande, one that would give married for keeps a more noticeable face in our community. available space in the village is rare, and we knew instinctively that we needed to grab it. the catch? we would need to live in the new office/home for awhile, and that meant decreasing our living space by two-thirds. suddenly “simplify” took on a whole new meaning.

overnight, we had to get ruthless about what we would take with us and what, as gunther began to say, would be “jettisoned”. in classic kriwinski fashion, gunther’s list of “keeps” and vickey’s list were entirely different. it got emotional on many occasions. some of the items had historic and deep sentimental meaning to one or both of us. we had to ask each other and ourselves some hard questions. it meant re-evaluating what we could have available for family visits – a tough bridge for vickey. the recliner we got from gunther’s dad had to go – a tough crossing for gunther. there were hundreds of decisions and a lot of letting go.

when gunther had heart surgery last year, vickey remembered saying “i don’t care where we live or what we do. it’s you and me babe, and i’m just thankful that you’re still here”. it was a chorus that echoed in both of our hearts and minds through the process – bringing us back to the now, forcing us to determine what was important.

in the process of discovering the excess “baggage” that we were carrying in our house, we found a lot of excess “baggage” in our hearts, and our marriage. getting in touch with our attachments to our things, somehow revealed some places where we had taken on some dead weight. we got into the spirit of unloading, and uncovered some issues we needed to talk about, some things that needed resolution, some areas where we had stuffed when we could have discussed. it took us on a journey of deeper discovery of each other. the give and take of the process has allowed us to touch each other’s hearts at even deeper levels and to strive to understand our spouse more completely, rather than to be understood. we found a correlation: the more we off loaded, the deeper our mutual bond. we were rediscovering our reliance and trust in one another.

slogging through our emotional baggage became more of an ordeal than the actual move itself. it was a fatiguing process, and but it was freeing. it forced us to face our own inflexibilities and learn (again) how to be more adaptable, not just to our living situation, but to each other.

operation downsize has prompted us to reclaim simplicity, to live less encumbered, to move more readily to the place of discussing issues when they are fresh. not to allow them to become the litter that fills the closets of our hearts and minds, or to clutter the living room of our relationship so that we can’t see or enjoy each other as fully as we desire.

someone once said “it’s hard to move forward in your life when your past is crowding your present”.

we downsized, and we’re so glad we did. we extend the same invitation to you . . .will you simplify?. jettison the baggage in your home, your heart and in your marriage. clean out those emotional closets. dump the dead weight. if you need outside help, get it. the freedom it will bring you and the life it will infuse into your marriage is worth it. you are worth it, and so is your mate.

(just could not resist adding this image of one of our little guys with baggage of his own)

in sickness and in health . . . handling life’s wild pitches

2011-06-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

have you missed us cyberspace? it's been much too long. sometimes life has a way of throwing you a wild pitch, and it can take you awhile to get back your swing.

for those who are not already aware, gunther had open heart surgery last october. the support and care shown to us both has been overwhelming. we are happy to report that gunther came through the surgery healthier than ever, but his recovery, and the effect of that event on many other areas of our lives has been significant. since the end of the year all of our focus has been first, on his health, and then, on keeping up with our counselling commitments. blogging has taken a back seat.

here he is at Christmas, not long after surgery. looks pretty good doesn't he?

our experience, difficult as it has been, has not been as rough as it could have been. gunther lived. he is not suffering. in contrast, many couples are living with the kind of suffering and ongoing heartache that comes from a long term, debilitating illness or injury. even the kind of "illness" that results from an addiction of some kind can test the depth of anyone's commitment.

in the light of the last months, we have given a lot of thought to the preciousness of the gift we have given each other: the gift of commitment. "i will stick with you through thick and thin, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. it's you and me babe . . . until death."

think for a moment and appreciate the magnitude of the commitment your spouse has promised you; a promise to stand with you, no matter how ugly you can be, no matter how ill, no matter how destitute . . . and only the interruption of death can come between you.

have you thanked your mate for that immeasurable gift? take a moment, preferably today, and put language to your appreciation. let your partner know that you recognize the scope of that promise to you, and that you love him (or her) for it.

time to take out the trash

2010-08-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

imagine what your house would look like if you never took out the trash. picture the piles of refuse growing in your kitchen, decaying and putrefying; your wastebaskets overflowing onto the floor around them. visualize the mess spreading to other parts of your home. as time moves forward, the smell of garbage permeates not only your home, but spills out onto the street. anyone who passes by your house can smell the stench before they reach your front door.

once there is no longer any room indoors, and the refuse spills outdoors, your front yard is littered with old appliances, newspapers, and filth of every kind. critters begin to build nests and burrows in and amongst your leavings, and other infestations soon become a real problem. finally, imagine yourself at the breaking point. when you can take the burden of the chaos and filth no longer, you make the decision to do something about it. but now, the problem is almost too large to address. where do you begin? it’s overwhelming because the issue of taking out the trash is no longer the only issue. now you must deal with the pests and their nests. you will need to sort through the piles, organizing what to keep, what to trash, and you will need to re-learn how to live without the clutter. you will need to learn how to take out the trash. you are also ashamed by the realization that your trash has affected your neighbors and has created an eyesore in the community. all of this will take a supreme amount of time and energy to confront the enormous task ahead. got the picture?

neglecting to take out the trash is one of the most common causes of failure in marriages. it starts out as a very small problem, almost unperceivable, but over time, it’s fatal.

i’m talking about the trash of bitterness: the little offenses, the slights, the unsolved issues that exist in every marital union. it seems so much easier to ignore them, to stuff them. they’ll go away . . . riiii - ight?

consider these scenarios:

#1 she’d always been controlling. at first he saw her as a “go-getter” . . . outgoing. eventually she seemed merely controlling. no matter what he did it was never right. she corrected and nattered at him all the time. he tried to talk to her about it, but usually backed down. it’s wasn’t worth the hassle, so he ignored it. over time he realized that he too was becoming more and more critical of her. he didn’t voice it as she did, but it was there. he found that he preferred the company of his buddies more than that of his wife. more and more he made excuses to come home later, and after awhile, he just didn’t care.

#2 he had a history of drinking. while he was drinking he neglected his wife, neglected his children, and generally lived the life of a drunkard. but she loved him, and waited for him through all of the pain and the financial fall out. finally after years of begging, he checked into rehab, and he came out sober. she had great expectations for him to take the helm and be the head of the household. it was a slow process and things didn’t move along the way she’d hoped. she found herself resentful but she maintained a stiff upper lip. resentment eventually grew to criticism, and then disdain. before long their home had become a boxing ring, where ugly things were thought and said and thrown like punches. neither one wanted to stay with the other any longer. it was just too hard.

#3 he didn’t like the dinner. he told her so. although he was well-meaning, it hurt her feelings. she chose not to talk to him about it, after all, it was such a small thing. yet she found her heart cooling toward him.

little offenses, no matter how small, will become big ones, when not dealt with.

in order to keep our marriages free from the clutter of bitterness, we must take out the trash, and do it regularly.

i know one couple that makes a practice, every night, of taking a few minutes and touching base with each other. “did i do something today that hurt or offended you?” they choose to be honest with each other. they disclose, and they offer forgiveness. when that question has been answered, they follow with “did i do anything today that made you happy?” at first, this practice may take longer than a few minutes, but you will find that as the garbage can is emptied regularly, it becomes easier and easier, not only to take out the trash, but to prevent the creation of garbage in the first place.

for this practice to be effective you must agree to be honest with each other. do your best to state your case in terms that are not accusatory, but rather focus on how your spouse’s behavior affected you. then, when your spouse is sharing, own it. don’t make excuses, don’t rationalize. if you hurt your partner, whether intentional or not, apologize. and mean it. when your mate apologizes, forgive. true forgiveness is more important to your own well being than to theirs (another issue – probably for the next blog).

of course, this approach assumes that there isn’t much trash to take out. if your trash has accumulated and you find that your relationship is characterized by contempt and criticism, it’s time to get help. get help and get it fast. check your local church or city chamber to get some referrals for a marriage counselor. ask around to see who’s good. some churches offer free counseling, others are fee based. whatever the price, it’s worth it. consider the alternative – divorce is a messy and very costly “solution” when the trash build up has gotten out of control.

the box

2010-04-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

his ashes were scattered under the old oak tree he loved so much. he had died first. ironically, she had always been the fragile one, the one with all the health problems. but his struggle against alzheimer’s had taken him before her.

they met during oktoberfest. they married and he went off to the war. they had shared 56 years together. and together they faced the korean war, lived in ten houses, worked through her 30+ surgical procedures, had three children, gained and then lost a small fortune, celebrated six grandchildren and five great grandchildren. they faced his illness with their usual resolve – they would see this through together. and they did. no matter what life brought them, or took away from them, it was the two of them, and their family, that they treasured the most. fidelity, loyalty, and commitment were the foundations of their marriage.

when the small but solemn family gathering ended, she wanted to keep the container that had held the cylinder with his ashes. one last keepsake of a life that had meant everything to her.

in the two years after his death, her health had deteriorated rapidly. no longer needing to be strong for him, she relinquished the fight, and allowed her bones to fail at last. she had been bedridden for most of that time, and in constant pain. she remained ever cheerful, and grateful for the life they had lived together. surrounded by her children and her grandchildren, she relished the warmth of the family that had started as they used to say “with just the two of us”.

on our last visit to the nursing home, she talked about the pain, and its constant torment. she was done. and she was tired. the three of us held hands and we prayed “Lord, if she’s ready, please have mercy and let her go”. she nodded her head in silent agreement, and as always kissed us goodbye with a smile. again she repeated, how thankful she was for their family. there were so many in the nursing home who had no one, yet the two of them had been so rich. they had a loving and caring family, and that meant so much.

just a few days later, we got the call that she had followed him into eternity. it had been quick. one minute she had asked the nurse for something, and the next she was gone. just like that.

we made our way to the nursing home and had our moment. later that day, as we began to gather her things, we found it – the box. she had taped pictures on it: a picture of him, another of the two of them with all of their grandchildren.

sensing that this was something sacred, the container was opened very tenderly. in it she had kept her most prized possessions: cards she had received when he had died, pictures of the family . . . and his letters. years of love letters he had written to her. she had kept them all. “to my sweet valentine”. “to my loving wife” “to my only girl in the world”. each letter recounting his love for her, his devotion, and his continued commitment to weather every storm at her side. she had kept those sweet memories as her last link to him.

next week we will scatter her ashes, just as she had hoped, under that same oak tree. and the family that they began almost 60 years ago will be gathered together to pay tribute, to support each other, to bring comfort to each other with our stories and our memories.

theirs was a legacy and a lifetime of constancy, forged through years of “ups and downs, tears and laughter, smiles and frowns”, as he had described their life together, for better or worse, for richer or poorer. thanks mom and dad, for honoring your vows and for the family you built out of your love for each other. you have left us an inheritance much more precious than money.

there’s a bench that sits under that oak tree. the perfect place to remember, and to be thankful.

emotionally naked, and not ashamed

2010-02-04T10:34:00.000-08:00

vulnerable: a real buzz word for the last couple of decades. it has been used to describe a certain desireable quality in a partner. the word “vulnerable” suggests a kind of sexiness. both men and women tend to find vulnerability in the opposite sex very attractive.

in any relationship, especially in a marriage, vulnerability is a key component to communication and intimacy. the most successful marriages are the ones in which each partner has made him or herself completely vulnerable to the other. if vulnerability is a gateway to connection and intimacy, all the buzz makes sense.

what does it mean “to be vulnerable”?

consider webster’s definition: vulnerable (vul׳ nәr ә bәl) adj. 1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt physically or emotionally. 2. susceptible to temptation or corrupt influence. 3. open to or defenseless against criticism or moral attack. derived from the ‘late latin’ meaning “wound-able”

webster’s thesaurus lists “unprotected” as a synonym. or “exposed”; which means the condition of being exposed to something detrimental. exposure to attack.

these words paint an incredible picture of trust. a choosing to present your weakest and most defenseless places to your mate, believing that your loved one will protect and cover you, rather than lean in for the attack. by the definition, that’s what vulnerability is, allowing oneself to be “wound-able". in a marriage, allowing yourselves to be susceptible to each other, and guarding the other’s back will result in a closeness and a depth of communication that is truly unparalleled.

let me use our little chihuahua, jasmine, as an example of being “wound-able”. jasmine is loved and well cared for. her favorite pasttime is to find a place in the house where the sun is streaming through the window and lay down in the sunshine. it is in that posture that she is the most content. recently she has adopted a practice that makes us laugh, but says a lot about her trust in us. while she is “sunbathing” if one of us gets within a few feet of her, regardless of where she is, she rolls over, belly up. in the dog world, exposing one’s underbelly is the equivalent of submission, confidence, a feeling of safety. when we approach our pet, she is so confident that she is safe and loved that she voluntarily exposes her weakest side. in doing so, the result is often a scratch on her underside, a pat on the belly – the equivalent of intimacy and affection in dog-land.

what does vulnerability look like? ask yourself - when i am with my spouse, am i guarded and self-protecting, or willing to easily expose my underbelly? when my spouse exposes his or her frailties, what do i do with that? am i affirming and encouraging, or do i go for the jugular? there’s no question that we’ve all been wounded at some point or another by the one closest to us. when that happens, how do i respond? do i retaliate in kind? do i keep my deepest thoughts, my dreams, my failures to myself because i am afraid of getting hurt? or are we healthy enough as a couple that i can forgive, and allow myself to be vulnerable again? emotional intimacy simply cannot exist in an environment where each spouse is afraid of emotional nakedness. if there is a sentinel on duty, posted at the gates of my heart, warding off any potential attack from my spouse, then we cannot share our hearts with each other.

we all know of a marriage where both partners co-habitate under the same roof, but there is no depth, no softness, no susceptiblity to each other, no emotional nakedness. tragic. if that is your conditon, it is not too late to turn things around. do some soul searching, and be honest, first, with yourself. ask yourself some of the self-evaluation questions we noted earlier.

then ask your spouse “do i make you feel safe? have i ever wounded you when you made yourself vulnerable to me?’” caution: don’t ask this question at the family dinner table. set aside a time when you can be alone, perhaps after the kids are in bed, or you are both out having coffee together. invite your spouse to be gently honest with you, and when your mate answers your question, don’t make excuses, just listen. if your spouse tells you that you have indeed wounded him/her, then apologize. ask for forgiveness. remember, at this point, it is your loved one’s perception of the situation that you are most interested in. in time, as you learn to protect each other’s soft spots, affirming each other at every opportunity, your confidence and sense of safety will increase. take the first step by making yourself vulnerable, and see how that will encourage your mate to do the same. carl s. avery said, “love enables you to put your deepest feelings and fears in the palm of your partner’s hand, knowing they will be handled with care”.

here are some additional quotes to chew on:

“the only love worthy of a name is unconditional” john powell

“when you make a sacrifice in marrige, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship” joseph campbell

“when we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. but to grow up is to accept vulnerability – to be alive is to be vulnerable” madeleine l’engle

** please note we are not addressing relationships where physical abuse is an issue. that is another subject for another time. **

cloning myself = bad idea

2009-09-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

why is it so important to us to be the same?

kids are always trying to be the same as their friends. dress the same, do the same things, have the same toys. then when we reach adolescence we try so hard to express our individuality – yet somehow we all look the same while we do it.

those of us who remember the 60’s and the 70’s – all the hippies expressing their feelings against the “establishment” – all did so in the same manner. when punk became popular – thousands of kids – all dressing the same and listening to the same music – again showing how “different” they all were. so many subcultures - goth, rave, emo – cookie cuttered together.

when we grow up, most adults would tell you that they strive to express themselves. to be themselves. to be their own person. ok, sounds great.

think about this: if we prize our individuality so much, why then, when it comes to our marriages, do husbands and wives try so hard to be the same? we attempt, whether we always recognize it or not, to get our spouse to do things the way we do things. to think like we do, to address conflict the same way we do. well, don’t we? we’re thrown off guard when we discover that we have so many dissimilarities. hello?

it is ironic that way back then, we were attracted to our mate because of many of those distinctions. now, our variations can be the very issues that escalate into deal breakers in our marriages.

gunther and i are about as different as you can possibly be. and yes, it was because gunther was so different from me that I fell so hopelessly in love with him, and he with me. little did we know that in the years to come, we would have our work cut out for us.

certain situations seem to trigger our differentness fairly easily. take, for example, travelling.

last weekend, we decided to head down to southern california to visit our son and his family. generally we pack our own gear. gunther has an old army duffle bag that belonged to his dad. it is his favorite “suitcase”. whatever he needs for the trip gets crammed and shoved into that bag. when we reach our destination? you guessed it, in order to unpack, the duffle bag gets upended, usually onto the floor.

i like to use a suitcase. i can fold my clothes in such a way that with a glance i can see what i have with me, and what outfit variations i have available to me. the more choices the better. when we arrive wherever we are going, if i can’t unpack into a dresser or a closet, i can keep everything neat and tidy during our stay.

gunther cannot comprehend why i need so many choices. i don’t see how he can think through the mess.

decision making is another huge divergence in our home. gunther likes to take his time, contemplating every angle, making sure he’s gathered all his facts. even when he thinks out loud, and sounds as though he’s come to a decision, i have learned not to be fooled. there may be a whole lot more thinking that has to take place before he lands. he won’t make a decision until he’s confident that he has examined the issue from all sides.

on most issues, i tend to make fairly quick decisions. i gather what information i think i will need, match that information against any applicable goals, morals, scheduling, whatever, and bam! decision made.

one more example: socially, i think i would’ve been a hermit if i had not married gunther. seriously, i could’ve holed away with a good book for most of my adult life. thanks to my husband’s stretching affect on me, i have learned to extend much farther. i enjoy most social functions, and can hold my own in a crowd. but i am still a wallflower at heart.

gunther adores people, adores social settings, loves to be in the middle of a crowd. he’s always been the people guy. he is as comfortable chatting with a perfect stranger, as he is with his own family.

these are only a few of dozens of examples in our relationship. when we carry these differences into our everyday living - you can imagine all the ways we have to deal with our differentness. i think most of us agree – appreciating and living with someone’s uniqueness can be challenging.

i heard a great story recently that has helped me allow for our distinctions: a man and his wife decide they are going to go to the top of the skyscraper so that they can see the view from the top. they get to the lobby and she sits down to put on her jogging shoes. she wants to take the stairs. no way! he says. he has no intention of climbing all those steps, he wants to take the elevator. so they exasperate themselves and each other struggling to change the other’s mind. the reality is that they both have the same goal – they want to get to the top. so why not embrace their differences and let the other one get there they way he or she wants? they can still enjoy the view together – which was the whole point in the first place.

i’m learning – again – to give my husband space to be himself. truth is, i like that he’s not like me. i like it a lot. he’s not going to do things my way. i’m not going to do things his way. it’s ok. we will live. and we can adapt. we are adults.

sameness = boring. vive la difference!

these are our two youngest grandchildren. ethan (the blondie) wanted his peanuts neatly kept in the drink slot of the cooler. he wanted to eat his snack from his “plate” – alone.

wyatt, wanted to share. he wanted to experience snack eating together with his cousin.

two different styles. you see the conflict it produced? they are not adults.

the story of sam

2009-07-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

meet samuel jon. this is sam at a little over a year of age.

this story is very hard for me to tell, but i felt it was time to share it publicly. my hope is that others can learn what i learned, without having to suffer what i went through in order to learn it.

for the most part, gunther and i have a healthy relationship. yet, we are not without our problems. like most couples, there are those issues that we skirt around: things i bring to his attention that he does not see, areas of weakness in my life that my husband may point out, but I choose to disregard. the popular rationale tends to be that because the criticism comes from our spouse it must not be valid. after all, what does he know? he’s just being crabby, or critical, or it’s really his issue, not mine. right? are you with me? you know what i’m talking about, don’t you?

several years ago, gunther pointed out to me that i was afraid. me. afraid. whatever. i was raised to be a strong, independent, often adventurous woman. and i am. yet from time to time, as a result of something i would say, or do, he would express concern at an undercurrent of fear in my life. as the months progressed he brought this “fear” to my attention – often. it began to become a source of real irritation for me – and one of concern for gunther. i continued to disregard his comments and to insist that he was perhaps not seeing things as clearly as he supposed.

(look at the expression on this little man's face - gives you a clue into his personality!)

one weekend we went to a marriage seminar put on by our church. we like to “tune up” our marriage when we have the chance. bob and carolyn whitaker were the speakers. something bob said that weekend hit me like a ton of bricks: (paraphrased) “we tend to disregard the remarks made about us by our mate – when in fact, because our mate is the closest person to us, it is actually their observations that we should take the most to heart”.

immediately i knew. not that i agreed with what gunther had been telling me, but rather that i at least needed to examine whether there was validity before i just tossed out what he had to say. i remember feeling a little scared (hmm, that’s curious isn’t it?) and i offered up a quick prayer, “Lord, i’m sure my husband’s out to lunch on this one, but just in case, if there is any fear in my life, would You please show me?” subject closed. moved on.

fast forward a couple months. as a regular practice, each summer our entire family spends a week together at the lake. we love water sports and we love each other, and it’s a great time to connect and play and relax. this particular year we went to lake shasta. oh - i love that place. we rented a vacation home at the lake, and the fun began.

we came from all directions, and there were a lot of cars parked on the street in front of the house. one day, a couple days into the week, we were all taking a break after lunch, relaxing before the next wakeboarding run. i thought i would go out front and move some of the vehicles off the street. i wanted to park them more tightly on the driveway so the neighbors would not be upset with us (ask anyone who lives on a street where there are vacation houses – it can be a real pain for the locals).

(sam and his big sissy)

i moved the first couple of cars and was backing the 3rd car into place, driving onto a big pebbled portion of the drive, when i felt a bump. i stopped - curious – hmm – must’ve just been a bigger rock amongst the pebbles – moved again – again a bump.

then i heard the screams.

i could tell they were coming from under the car. i recognized the tiny voice as that of our then youngest grandchild, samuel. he was only 18 mos. old at the time. i opened the car door, my heart in my throat. some of our guys heard the crying and ran to the car – within seconds they had literally lifted up the car and pulled sam out from under it.

somehow samuel had followed me out of the house - unseen. he had been knocked down and scraped up. miraculously, there was a depression in the dirt, and he fell right into it. there was barely enough room between samuel and the undercarriage of the car. centimeters, really. quick examination proved that the tires had missed him – the car had driven over him, but did not drive on him. he was scraped, bruised and terrified, but physically okay.

i, on the other hand, was in hysterics. even as i write this the tears are streaming down my face. the shame. the guilt. the “what ifs”. the reality that i could’ve killed my precious grandson. gunther ran to me and grabbed me as i collapsed in his arms, sobbing. the first thing out of my mouth was tremendously revealing: i gulped through the sobs, “the thing i have feared the most has come upon me”.

and then again i knew. i was afraid. afraid that something might happen to someone i love. afraid of loss. afraid of accidents and peril. afraid of failure. afraid of fear. afraid.

fear is a terrible enemy. to live in fear is to invite all kinds of bondage and paralysis. it opens doors and access points to darkness and evil. that may sound extreme, but think for a moment – you probably know someone whose life is marked with fear. how has it affected them, and their family? the outcome is just no good.

i knew at the time of the accident that i would need help in identifying and routing fear in my life. so without delay, when we returned from vacation i set about immediately to get the assistance i needed. somehow i knew that if i put it off, i might talk myself into not following through. “i can handle this on my own”, “i don’t really want others to know what i did”, or “it’s not all that bad after all.” i am thankful that i was able to get support – and fast. i needed to face the fears, and deal with them - to address the guilt and the shame of having run over sam. i am grateful to those who helped me through the fear. grateful to my family and my children for their mercy toward me.

i am thankful for God’s grace, especially to forgive myself for what happened. you could’ve told me until you were blue in the face that i wasn’t to blame, but i needed to forgive myself nonetheless. i needed to allow myself to receive the mercy offered me so that i could find peace.

and i am thankful for our friend james. james had been housesitting for us in our absence. when he learned of the incident, he was overcome. for two days at the beginning of the week – he was so troubled that he literally could not sleep. he could not shake the feeling in his gut that something awful, something terribly horrible was going to happen to our family. he prayed, and he prayed and he prayed for God to protect us and to avert disaster. he prayed, until, at last, a sense of peace replaced the sense of doom. thank you my friend. thank you for fighting when we weren’t even aware there was a war. your goodness to our entire family has not been forgotten.

is there a moral to all this? maybe several. i still don’t like it when gunther points out my faults or my failures – but if i can’t take it from the one who loves me the most, who can i take it from? God in His divine care, will sometimes allow us to suffer so that He can work more of His character into our lives. and remember, God never sleeps. He’s got your back. no need to fear with a Guardian like that.

a word to husbands

2009-06-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

Recently Vickey and I were able to get away for a little while and enjoy some rest and relaxation. We stayed with some friends at Lake Almanor, near Mt. Lassen. We drunk in the beauty around us, played, and had a great time just being together.

Vickey and I like each other's company, and I realized how grateful I am that we have learned to treat each other with respect - it hasn't always been the case.

I have observed a trend in many households that concerns me. I’m talking about the way in which family members speak to each other: a husband barks at his wife, the mother clips harsh directives to their children, children yelling at their parents...seeds that produce bitter fruit. I want to speak first and primarily to husbands about this. Hey guys, as leaders in our homes - the buck stops with us. What we initiate will trickle down through the rest of the family. It’s too easy to blame the Mrs. for what’s going on in our homes, when, in fact, we can lead by example, and set the tone in our family. Men, take a tip from someone who’s been around long enough to learn at least a couple of things.

Eric Hoffer, author and longshoreman philospher said “Rudeness is a weak imitation of strength”. Being the man of the house doesn’t mean treating your wife with disrespect. Think again about how you address your best girl and remember how you said things when you were convincing her about yourself. If you’re not sure if you are speaking kindly to your Mrs., just ask her. She’ll tell you if your tone gets abrasive, or if her feelings are hurt. It may affect your pride but the wisdom book says “…whoever heeds correction, shows he is wise.”

The way you talk to your wife, will also set the tone with your children. I like this quote: Fred Astaire once said, “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” How can we expect our children to treat us with respect, when we do not give respect to each other, or to our kids? Do your children see you blaming your wife, speaking harshly, even contemptuously to her at times? They are going to follow suit and treat her the same way you do.

Just to press the point, I’ll go one step further. I Peter 3:7 states “. . . be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers”. Whoa - your prayers hindered? Like – answers could be delayed – or held up – or not come? Think about that one. This warning is very vivid to us now with ''call waiting'' in which one party abruptly says ''Excuse me while I get this other line!" In context this might refer specifically to the husband’s prayer! This one verse speaks volumes about how important our treatment of our wives is to the Lord. So much so, that He literally will turn a deaf ear to our requests. Been wondering why you aren’t getting the answers you‘ve been asking for? Examine your manners. Could it be that you have treated your wife with less than the respect that is due her?

Your family may be entrenched in some unhealthy practices, but you can change the cycle, and turn this thing around. Be patient, be kind, be polite - - - and just see the affect that it has on your wife, and even your children.

And a note to the wives - if your husband already practices good manners - tell him how much you appreciate the way he treats his family. We can all use the encouragement.

family can be a good thing

2009-04-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

i love it when everyone comes “home”. all the kids, all the grandkids. we eat. we talk. we laugh. during one such weekend the scene looked like this: one grandchild spilled soap bubbles in one bedroom. another grandchild had an accident in the other bedroom. some of the boys shot hoops in the driveway. our granddaughter demonstrated her “kung fu ballet” in the living room. the babies tried to play the piano. one child was either chasing or squeezing one of the dogs. someone else took a nap. nothing earth changing. no great pearls of wisdom to share. but lots of mess, and noise, and activity, . . . something happening in every corner of this big ol’ house.

people comment all the time, what a large, loving family we have. and it’s true, we do have a large, loving family. but there’s a lot that goes on behind the scenes of this affectionate tribe. we get irritated at each other. even angry at times. we inconvenience each other. we step on each other’s toes. we can get in each other’s faces. we are a group of leaders with strong opinions about pretty much everything.

gunther and i have been very intentional about cultivating this family together. there has been one guiding truth that has navigated us through the occasional tiffs and struggles – we choose to love each other, and loving each other is more important to us than being right. if we have to agree to disagree on certain issues, then we will do all we can to make our peace, humble ourselves, and forgive. it is our goal not to stay angry – not to hang on to our hurts. it’s not easy - it can mean confrontation and vulnerability. it takes honesty. it means revealing “hey, that hurt me” and “there’s something between us that needs to be made right”. it can be hard work.

when those situations arise, what helps is remembering that we love each other and are for each other. when you know you’re on the same team, it’s a lot easier to work through the muck.

truth is, we’re not all that unique. we have lots of skeletons in our family closet. our collective background is not all that pretty. i mean issues. but rather than allowing our family history to define us, we’ve chosen to establish our own legacy, and by God’s grace, deal with our stuff.

the payoff? a large, loving family. we have vital growing relationships with each other, and we are priviledged to be a part of one another’s lives.

not there yet? take heart and begin with one member of your family - do all you can to make a connection. this cliche can ring true: “let it begin with me”, or “be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.” the saying goes “you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family”, but consider what could happen if you were to invest in your family, and your relatives were to become your friends too.

here are some photos from our easter weekend together; it was family madness.

the kids enjoying the bounce house.

Gamma enjoyed it too!

we decided to include a little family competition - including a ballooon launching contest, and a pie eating contest.

we were thrilled that our daughter-in-law's parents decided to join us for the easter celebration. here is gunther and gail. at the end of the competition, gunther decided to plant his pie in gail's face. in the true spirit of family - she got him right back!

it was a celebration worth remembering!

the wedding standard

2009-04-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

cameron ingalls recently interviewed us for "the wedding standard".

cameron is an amazingly gifted wedding photographer; someone who has raised the bar in his industry. in a world where the competition is stiff, one of the unique things about cameron’s talent is that he is so willing to give away what he has learned. as a result he has encouraged and inspired scores of other’s to pursue their dreams.

although we are continually impressed at what cameron produces from behind the lens, he has so many other skills and characteristics that are even more outstanding. so that you won't think we are biased simply because he is our son-in-law – you need to know the truth - we actually fell in love with him before anna did.

please check out our interview.

the story of miss daisy

2009-03-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

meet little miss daisy. she is a miracle baby, in more ways than one. she was born premature at 33 weeks. miracle #1 = she was healthy at birth. lungs, heart, everything worked normally. she was just tiny, very tiny.

miracle #2 = she shouldn’t even be here. the real story begins long before daisy was even conceived. daisy’s tale is really the story of her daddy and mommy: tommy and laura. we met tommy and laura a few years ago, and have been witnesses to their incredible journey. it is such a gripping account, we asked them if we could share it with you.

this blog will be longer than usual, but stick with us. we believe you will be impacted and uplifted by their story.

this saturday, tommy and his wife, laura, will celebrate their fifth wedding

anniversary. in their own words however, it hardly seems like it’s only been 5 years. so much has happened, and they have personally changed so much – they’re not the same people who got married. . .

tommy and laura come from broken homes. both sets of parents divorced when their children were very young. when tommy and laura met, each had already married, and been divorced. from the first date, there was a connection between them, and they were inseparable. they shared a common passion for drinking. they loved to party, and they seemed to do that well together. within a year, they were married. looking back, they’re not really sure why they married when they did. they say that perhaps it’s because they both recognized that they longed for the stability of marriage and family. it’s just that neither one of them really knew how to do that.

from the beginning, their life was a “routine” of hard work during the day, and hard drinking every night. it wasn’t long before laura got pregnant. the reality of a pregnancy compelled laura to cut back on drinking for the safety of her baby. as she drank less, she was also less tolerant of tommy’s alcohol consumption. although laura had made a few lifestyle adjustments, tommy had not. she became the sterotypical ball-and-chain wife: demanding that he cut back on his drinking, that he show up for dinner, that he report his whereabouts to her. such unaccustomed requirements only proved to breed resentment in her husband, and the cycle of what tommy and laura now call “fighting and bailing” began. they would fight which would further justify tommy’s tendency to disappear (sometimes for days on end), which would lead to more fighting, and give him more rationalization to “bail” again. the cycle was constant and never-ending.

tommy’s dependence on alcohol progressively increased. at night, he would drink until he passed out. by 7 am the following morning, he would start the day with a couple of beers in order to control his constant battle with the shakes.

the tension between them grew, as did their financial woes. after a couple of years, laura says she had reached her limit. one day, while tommy was away at work, laura packed up and she and the kids moved out. she began to make preparations to leave the area and start over. when tommy realized what she was planning, he filed divorce proceedings – forcing her to stay local. in response, laura retained her own attorney, and the nasty divorce business was underway.

it was during this time, laura confesses, that she began to secretly read her bible. it wasn’t something she wanted to broadcast, but she was desperate and at the end of herself. she visited a local church on occasion. slowly, very slowly, she began to get healthy. she noticed small changes at first. she found herself not falling into the same old response patterns with her husband. however, laura was still struggling with her own addiction to alcohol. she had a history of binge drinking. she would do okay for awhile, and then have a night where she would drink till she dropped. after one such night of binging, laura put her boys to bed, walked into the backyard, and had, what she called a “meltdown”. hopeless and inconsolable, she begged God to end her life. recognizing the overwhelming issues that both she and her husband were dealing with, she believed that her sons would be better off if both she and tommy were dead. she implored the Almighty to let her fall asleep and never wake up. laying out her case before heaven, she pleaded for death. exhausted, she went to bed, literally expecting not to wake up. instead, she awoke craving free. to her surprise, she was also free from the cravings for nicotine.

as a result of her incredible experience, laura was compelled to make contact with her husband. she had no thoughts of reconciliation, but she wanted him to know that there was, after all, hope. she called him, and reluctantly, tommy agreed to meet with her at a local park. as Laura relayed what had happened to her, suggesting that perhaps he too, might find some help at a local church, all tommy could hear was his wife, once again, telling him what he needed to do. in an outburst of anger tommy told laura that he could simply not believe that any church would “let her in” knowing her background. he was enraged and resentful at the notion that laura – every bit as sick and “messed up” as he was, could be under the impression that she could ever belong to any group willing to embrace her, flaws and all.

disappointed, laura did not lose her confidence. she was beginning to experience a measure of healing, and she was encouraged. laura says that she knew at that point, that despite what happened with her marriage, she and her boys would be ok. she told tommy that he was free to do what he wanted, but from that point on, she would not participate in any divorce proceeding. she made a decision to move on with her life, and to the best of her ability, invite God to continue to heal her.

not long after that encounter, tommy celebrated his 35th birthday. once again, taking a risk, laura decided to gift tommy with his own bible. she had received so much comfort and help from reading it, she believed that he would too. again, as before, tommy’s response was not what she had hoped it would be. tommy was horrified at the gift. he says, “i thought, ‘how could this horrible, evil person, give me this holy book’”? to him, it was full-blown hypocrisy. to laura, his reaction was another blow. she spent the evening in tears, crying and praying for her husband’s soul. she knew that tommy’s life, both physically and eternally, was weighing in the balance.

what laura did not know was that tommy was also a drug addict. up to that point, tommy had successfully hidden his long term drug use from his wife. he had long since stopped asking to spend time with the children. any time he spent with his kids meant not being able to drink or use around them. he would find himself watching the clock to see if he could make it before the shakes set in. he decided it was simply easier not to see them. he too, wanted to end his life. he entertained thoughts of suicide and contemplated how he could make it look like an accident. due to a loss in appetite, he had stopped eating. his only sustenance was alcohol and drugs.

tommy knew he was in trouble. he began to notice signs that his body was wearing out. his heart was failing. at 35, his health was seriously compromised. all of his systems were struggling to continue functioning, and the day came when he knew that if he got one more bag of drugs, his heart would quit. he had reached the point of desperation, where he was willing to ask for God’s intervention. in his room, he dropped to his knees and begged for the help he knew only God could give him. he remembered that his mother had offered to take him to a rehab center, and he decided to accept her offer. he made the call and his mom quickly arranged for his enrollment in a treatment program. however, the center could not facilitate him until the next day. tommy had a dilemma. the shakes were a regular part of his existence, and he knew he would not be able to endure them. “mom”, he said, “i really want to do this, but the only way you’ll get me there is if you let me drink all the way to rehab.”.

not knowing what the future would hold, as tommy and his mother headed out of town, he called laura to ask if he could stop by and say goodbye to the boys. he laughs now as he recalls that dark day- “i had to ask her where she lived!”

laura was relieved that tommy was willing to get help, but still had no desire or expectation for restoration between them. while tommy was a patient in rehab, she went to his apartment so that she could collect his personal things for him. his living situation was such that she did not know if his belongings would be secure. what laura discovered made her immediately regret her actions. she found evidence, not only of tommy’s drug use, but also that he was having an affair. “that was it!,” laura told us, “i decided that he could rot in rehab for all i cared”.

meanwhile, tommy was improving. because of the degree of his addictions, the detox portion of his program took longer than most. but he was on the road to physical recovery. he cooperated with all aspects of the program, and responded well to his counselor. remarkably, tommy also experienced his own touch from God. for the first time in his life, tommy became acutely aware of God’s love for him. as he describes it “i had a strong sense that God was with me. not only that, but that He cared about me, was my friend, and that i was ok with Him.” that reality had a profound effect on tommy, and like his wife, slowly, he began to change from the inside out. one day, to tommy’s horror, his counselor suggested calling laura to set up a meeting. aware that laura knew of his infedility, tommy responded “i’m not calling her! she hates me!” he says he was literally afraid of what she would do. but in spite of tommy’s objections, right then, the counselor picked up the phone and called laura, inviting her to come. shocking herself, and maybe a little curious, laura agreed. what she encountered surprised her. she noticed a changed tommy – what she calls a “spark”. “there was a light there that wasn’t there before”, she remembers.

several weeks before, in a moment of vulnerability, laura had written a letter to tommy. in it, she expressed her deepest emotions to him. she told him all the things she wished he would say to her, pouring out her heart in honesty on the never delivered note. during their meeting with the counselor, tommy read a letter aloud to her. he said things to his wife that he had never said to her before, things that laura had always hoped he would say to her, things that she had expressed to him in the letter she never gave him. tommy was honest about his mistakes, and communicated how much he loved his wife. something shifted. there was a small crack in the armor around both of their hearts. these visits continued during the course of the rehab program. they would meet first with the counselor, and then they would spend time alone together talking.

laura had serious reservations about the wisdom of tommy coming home. still believing that full reconcilation was next to impossible, she laid out her list of contingencies, certain that none would be fulfilled. she was not interested in tommy’s return until and unless he agreed to continue marriage counselling after rehab, and she wanted them to go to church together, or, at least give it a try. without hesitation, tommy agreed.

it has been 2 ½ years now since tommy came home. when laura picked him up, he greeted her “hi, I’m tommy. i’ll be your husband for the rest of your life.” to this day, laura cannot explain the change in her heart, and the unbelievable lack of resentment, especially concerning her husband’s infedility. somehow, both of them have chosen to focus on their own issues, extending forgiveness to the other.

the story does not end there. there is much more to tell, but the next chapter will have to wait for another blog. life has not been a bowl of cherries since tommy and laura reunited. the first 90 days the couple faced situations that would make any of us buckle: extreme financial hardships (including issues with the irs), pending jail sentences for tommy, repairing a family, etc. more than once, one or both were ready to throw in the towel. with a fervent trust in God, the support of friends and family, and a renewed commitment to each other, they are sticking it out. to meet them, you honestly would never know the dark places where they have walked. they are a shining example and a source of constant encouragement to any couple who may be struggling. as they would tell you “we were a train wreck. believe us, if we can make it, anyone can.” now they speak of their love for each other with tears in their eyes.

and that . . . is the real story of little miss daisy. she is yet another expression of the healing that has taken place in their lives.

the funnest part? daisy was born on my (vickey) birthday. what a fun birthday present!

happy anniversary tommy and laura!

the beauty of a budget

2009-02-22T22:44:00.000-08:00

i hate budgeting. seriously hate it. why do i hate it so much? first of all, it’s a time consuming exercise. time i would rather spend doing just about – well, anything. plus it forces you to really look at where you’ve been spending your money, which can be a painful reality. a budget hits you where it hurts. translation: following a budget can mean not being able to do some things that we really like to do. it can mean sacrifice and restriction.

sometimes the process of setting up a budget produces conflict. one of vickey’s love languages is gift giving. we do not see eye to eye when it comes to allotting a dollar amount to that category. i have a little better handle on the costs involved in maintaining and ultimately replacing a vehicle. this is another area that can bring some disagreement. what about haircuts? entertainment? see the potential for conflict here? it can take some discussion time, and patience, before any compromise, and then agreement can be made.

there’s no denying that for some couples adhering to a budget can be gruelingly painful. establishing a spending plan requires gut-level honesty with each other, sometimes even forgiveness and understanding. most definitely it means a change in spending habits. and there, boys and girls is where the rubber meets the road.

recently we established a new budget. we’ve set up a spending plan before, but in the last few years we have not followed it as closely as we’d like. with global financial developments taking their toll, our household has not been unaffected. so, in the interest of prudence – and in trying to make ends meet – we agreed it was time to visit our “budget” once more, and really make a commitment to stick to it.

we re-did our budget at the end of december. it’s been a month or so and we need to make a few adjustments. we’ll go back to the drawing board to see how we did – some areas we budgeted too high, others too low. we need to take a good look at how we did and if we biffed on the budget - find out why. honesty, forgiveness, trust, understanding. it all comes into play.

the actual following of the budget can, at times, be difficult. sure, there are things we’d like to do, that for now, we just can’t. or rather, we choose not to. saying “no” to yourself is not a popular american practice.

the good news is that we have a mutual goal – we know what we’re trying to achieve financially. and we remind ourselves constantly that sacrifice now, may pay off later. in today’s economy – the goal of many is simple - plain survival: making ends meet in spite of the loss of a job, or increasing fuel prices, or the loss of a home. for others the goal may be a comfortable retirement, college funds, a nice vacation, debt payoff, buying a home or even leaving an inheritance for your children.

any negatives of budgeting are more than balanced by the positives: living within your means, achieving your financial goals, even learning how to work together as a couple is a big plus.

when i say i hate budgeting – i mean it. but it hurts so good, if you know what i mean. as a married couple, we encourage each other and help to keep each other on track. it feels good when we see the plan successfully working. we have setbacks, everybody does. sometimes it’s two steps forward - one step back. when the setbacks come, we strategize again, adjust the figures if need be, or explore together what other options need to be considered.

if you haven’t already budgeted - there are lots of materials out there to help get you started. we recommend any of larry burkett's materials, or dave ramsey's stuff. both of their websites have free downloadable forms to help get you started. you can also explore your library, your local church, and even community professionals for what’s available.

take a deep breath and dive in. if we can do it – anybody can.

“remember why you signed up”

2009-01-27T11:07:00.000-08:00

this week our daughter, sarah, and son-in-law, ryan, celebrate their 14th wedding anniversary. we are proud of both of them, and happy to celebrate another landmark in their life together. life has not always been easy for them and their little family, but like many of us, they are

learning and growing together.

(ryan and sarah on a recent trip to the happiest place on earth, with their youngest - wyatt)

it got us thinking, and reminiscing about where we were at the 14 year mark. a flood of pleasant, and unpleasant, memories came back to us. we had three grade school age children. gunther had been seriously injured and required surgery; out of a job, rehabilitating, financial problems. vickey was working full time to support the family while gunther recovered. out of necessity our kids were latch-key kids for a season. we were in survival mode and . . . life was . . . not enjoyable. as a couple, we were not having fun.

at that time we were caught up in the business of marriage, and being responsible and raising children. our home was not a fun place to visit. we were tired, and in our fatigue, too hard on our kids and too hard on each other.

at some point around that time, our church offered a one-day “marriage seminar”. as we recall it didn’t cost much and included lunch at a nice restaurant. so we went. we didn’t think we were “in trouble”, but we figured any chance for a brush up was a good thing. and then again, the free lunch.

19 years later we don’t remember much about the seminar, but one thing stuck. it was these words of advice – “remember why you signed up in the first place”. the couple teaching told their story and it sounded like a carbon copy of where we were at at that time. they were so wrapped up in the business of being married and being responsible and doing it right, that they forgot why they got married to begin with. forgot what attracted them to each other at the start.

their advice to us all was to pause, and take inventory - take a good hard look at your mate. remember what attracted you to that person. remember what about them you really liked. you loved his sense of humor? you respected her devotion to family? you admired his athletic prowess? her self confidence? his ability to make friends? her brains? his goals in life? her sense of adventure? that person is still there, just buried, like you are, under the pile of life.

(here's gunther - still demonstrating his athletic prowess - wiffle ball with the grandsons.)

yea, taking out the trash is important, but none of us got married to become professional trash-taker-outers. we got married to have fun and enjoy each other, to explore new adventures, and tell each other our best kept secrets, to laugh at our own stupid jokes, and keep each other company, to cheer each other on when the race is hard, and go on romantic dates. . . . . and . . . fill in your own blanks.

from time to time – remember. and sign up again, for all the same reasons.

33 on the 3rd

2009-01-03T14:55:00.001-08:00

i am sitting in my cousin’s living room – looking out the picture window at a mountain full of pine and snow. i’m trying to absorb all the beauty and the wonder with my eyes. typically, we travel to northern california over new year’s to spend some time with our extended family. it’s a great chance to connect with our loved ones, and to get some much needed r & r.

our anniversary is on january 3rd, so our new year’s trip often coincides with our anniversary celebration. being in the mountains makes it even easier to enjoy some peace and solitude.

33 years is a long time, and we are both grateful that our mate stuck it out. there have been many chances over the decades to bail out. there have been times when neither one of us was easy to live with - still we’ve had a wonderful life together. we married really young, so we’ve grown up together, we’ve raised our family, and we’ve faced life’s hardships side by side.

when people find out how long we’ve been together we are often asked for our secret. i think there are several. one is that we chose to "stay”. another is that at some point we began to realize that the whole purpose of marriage isn’t necessarily to make us happy. (what? you say – not get married to be happy?) i think that marriage is designed to make us better. designed to challenge us, to press us, to teach us the meaning of sacrifice and giving and loving beyond ourselves. practicing sacrifice and giving doesn’t always make us happy. many cultures in today’s world believe that commitment is the foundation of love – not the other way around. the more i ponder on that one, the more i am inclined to agree. maybe i’m not ready to subscribe to arranged marriages, but i do think that those who do are on to something. they have a much better grasp of what marriage is for than we do. the statistics prove that those marriages are much more successful.

this year, as we pass the 33 year mark, we look at each other with gratitude. i am so thankful for the gift that gunther has given me. the gift of his lifelong commitment. the gift of faithfulness and fidelity. his gift of friendship. the gift of allowing me to be me, while at the same time we are “us”. we’re not teenagers anymore, but we’ve got a lot of mileage left. and we are both very excited as we look forward to the adventures that still lie ahead. do we “have it down”? – this marriage thing? shah – right! we’ve got a lot to learn. maybe, just maybe, we have learned enough to know that we don’t know it all. and that after all these years, we still need help from time to time.

here are some pictures from our new year’s trip to yosemite. it was a day full of wonder and incredible beauty.

the valley with bridalveil falls in the distance

el capitan new year's day 2009

winter magic

defies description doesn't it?

the halls of the ahwahnee hotel decked for the holidays

gunther loves the snow. even more, he loves it when it is snowing. can you see the glee on this man's face?

happy new year to you! (and happy anniversary to us)

visions of sugar plums

2009-01-01T17:30:00.001-08:00

this year's gingerbread house was finished just in time for christmas!

i have been asked to show some details for other christmas-aholics - so here are a few pictures.

granddaughter kate was very
proud of her snowman.
she rolled and
baked it herself.

after finishing the house, we made a big tree for the little ones. when it came time to eat the gingerbread house (our christmas eve tradition) the bigger kids were going after the house. wyatt saw his opportunity and had the tree all to himself!

check out cameron's blog for some pics of a previous year's house and it's devouring!

merry christmas!

2008-12-16T12:27:00.001-08:00

merry christmas!

christmas arrives too fast, and is over way too soon – but christmas is our favorite time of year! when our kids were little, we gave a lot of thought to developing our own family traditions. now that our children have kids of their own, it is fun to see them establish their own traditions.

we wanted to share some photos from our christmas season so far – hope your christmas is very, very merry.

last year the whole family went to disneyland in december. i had never seen the park decorated for the holidays. it was so much fun, we went again this year. the start of another tradition?

while we were there we saw mickey and minnie. wyatt was beside himself - he just HAD to get close to minnie! it was really cute - we were at the back of the line, but the crowd could hear this little tyke begging to see minnie, and they parted to let him up front. he was SO happy!

ec's favorite ride is the pooh ride at pooh corner. and his favorite girl is his cousin kate. life just doesn't get much better than this.

the little guys get soooo tired toward the end of the day.

another tradition we started awhile back is making a gingerbread house every year. it started as a way for my niece and i to spend some time together at christmas. she wanted to try and make one. it's a lot of work and usually takes us a couple weekends.

this year's edition isn't finished - but we'll show you the finished product when it's done.

because our family is so large, we draw names for gift giving. this year, someone suggested that we write a poem about the person who's name we drew. we'll share our poems with them when we open our presents. hmmm, should be interesting.

so what are your family traditions? would love to hear some of the special things that your family does to celebrate the holidays.

november = character building month

2008-11-23T09:38:00.000-08:00

a funny thing happened on my way to the call in san diego.

we had an appointment the night i left, and i didn’t get out of town until after 8 o’clock. driving alone, and knowing i had a long road ahead of me, i decided to pick up the pace a bit. i was clipping along close to 80 mph when I passed one c.h.p. and then 100 yards down the freeway –another one. seconds later the lights were flashing behind me. i made my way to the exit, but as i did the cop blared at me over his loud speaker “turn right at the first street”. at that i was upset and flustered. i followed his instructions but was thinking too much about the price of a speeding ticket and not enough about my driving. i turned right in front of an oncoming car. the driver swerved, horn blaring. "great"' i told myself, "not only are you getting a speeding ticket, but you pulled that one right in front of the policeman. brilliant."

i pulled over and rolled down my window. while opening the glove box to retrieve my registration, the officer approached the car and shined his flashlight in my face. sarcastically he remarked, “yeah. turning right means looking for ongoing traffic first.” i guess i earned that one. next he asked me, “ma’am have you been drinking?” and gave me a drunk driving test. me! i’m the one who always follows the speed limit - plays by the rules. my family likes to accuse me of driving like an old lady. sweet. “ma’am, will you take off your glasses? now follow my finger with your eyes – don’t move your head” (oh that’s perfect. i’m legally blind without my glasses, and i’m supposed to follow his finger, in the dark. what finger? i can’t even see it.) with everything in me, i struggled to follow what i thought was his finger moving back and forth in the shadows. i was probably cross-eyed. i passed, but the process was humbling to say the least. actually, the officer took pity on me. he gave me a stern warning and never wrote the ticket. but there’s one for the record books. my kids loved that the police thought i was drunk.

sadly that was just the beginning of the month. as the month progressed we managed to mess up the blogspot, and before we could re-post and fix our ills, our computer had a massive meltdown. i mean massive. we lost everything – nothing salvaged. after soaking hundreds of dollars into computer repair, both of our cars started acting up and needed fixing(more cha-ching, cha-ching). then our digital camera died (which accounts for the boring lack of pictures in this blog - sorry, we are working to correct that) . . . problems at the office . . . problems, problems, problems. what the heck? is there nothing working right? nothing going my way? you know what i’m talking about. we’ve all had those weeks . . . months . . sometimes years. it can become . . . well, laughable. almost like some cosmic joke and you somehow are the butt of it. you half expect ashton kutcher or allen funt to pop out from behind a camera – ha! just kidding. it was all a prank. until you realize that this . . . is your life.

in the middle of all of this . . . stuff . . . unexpectedly, one of our children ended up in the hospital. for awhile it was scary. really scary. but immediately that event put everything back in perspective. i didn’t care anymore about money issues, or work issues or computers. broken things meant nothing. all of our concern was for our loved one. suddenly it was about where do i stand with God, and Lord are You listening cause here i am and we need You now in a big way. are You there? and will You come here?

(this is a picture of the northern lights over yellow knife, canada. i know, kinda random, but panoramas like this remind me of how small i am in the whole big picture -and how big God is. it's a good thing.)

so what does this have to do with marriage? only this. life can be hard. and none of us will ever be perfect – not in this life anyway. stuff happens. gunther and i have decided that november has been “character building month”. does that mean i embrace trouble with both hands? hardly. when trouble comes do i always handle it well? no. it often gets messy. but i keep trying. mother teresa used to say “God doesn't require us to succeed; He only requires that you try”.

our lives are not perfect but we still have a lot to be thankful for - imperfections and all. i want to be constantly aware, not of what i don’t have, but of what i do have, however much or little there is.

best in shell 2008

2008-11-18T10:50:00.000-08:00

a couple of years ago, my wife brought home a chihuahua puppy. for a guy who’s always had sled dogs, having a chihuahua in the house was an adjustment. forgive me, i have never been a small dog lover. they yap. they shiver. they’re soooo annoying. the breed offends my masculinity. do you recall seeing a team of chihuahuas pulling a sled? or picture this – the hunter with his .358 winchester in one hand, his foot resting on the bear he just snagged, and his faithful . . . uh, chihuahua, at his side?

i’m not sure when it happened, but jasmine (that is the dog’s name) got to me. first of all she’s chocolate, plus she rarely shivers, and she really doesn’t yap much. don’t know enough about the breed to know if she’s an exception – but i’ll admit it, she grew on me. don’t tell my wife. i tell her that i hate her dog.

for the last five years, our friend clayton connolly has facilitated a neighborhood dog show: best in shell. the show has gotten great reviews and we had heard that it was a lot of fun. even better, every year clayton donates the proceeds to a worthy cause. in the interest of community support, vickey decided that she wanted to enter jasmine in this year’s show.

this is another entrant in the small dog class:

like a true small dog owner, vickey dressed jasmine in a black ruffled flamenco dress (complete with a pink rose at the “neckline”) and off we went. it was a beautiful day at shell beach. we were pleasantly surprised to see a large turnout. clayton is a competent and engaging m.c. and the day got off to a great start.

then, suddenly, vickey got sick. i mean sick. the i-can’t-move-or-i-will-lose-my-lunch kind of sick. as jasmine’s cue approached i was faced with a decision. my wife had entered jasmine to support the local cause and to show off her dog. would i step in and make it happen, or let my wife be disappointed? if i stepped in, i would need to lead the dog around the circle in front of all those people. still hoping for an escape, every minute or so i checked with vickey – “feeling better yet?” i tried the “it’s your dog” approach, but it became clear that my fears would soon be realized. i would have to parade the small ruffled prissy around the judging rink, and do it with sincerity - without excuses or disclaimers. i didn’t want to embarrass my wife, so for a few minutes, i would have to act the part of the proud owner of a chihuahua.

i did it. jasmine performed perfectly. she pranced around the circle as if she owned the show. and i smiled and led her in her 30 seconds of fame. knowing how mortified i was, my wife snickered and took pictures so that the moment would be captured for future use. and jasmine won! not really, but it would’ve made a great story. actually the real punch line is this: vickey, still green with nausea, whispered her gratitude. it meant a lot to her, and i knew it. that’s why i did it. “i did it because I love you”, i told her as I returned to my seat. she smiled. “i know”, was all she answered.

it’s not always the big things that matter. it’s the small things that count the most. sacrifice is the measure of health in a relationship. nothing says i love you louder than placing the wishes of your loved one before your own. i’m no great saint – i just love my wife. and i want her to know it.

but i still tell her i hate her dog.

rules for fair fighting

2008-11-17T17:18:00.000-08:00

(this post was accidentally deleted from september’s posts. due to popular demand, we are re-posting it now.)

i love baseball. i played for years. my son loves baseball. he played all through school. my wife loves baseball too. after watching hundred of practices and games, vickey developed a love of the game. i was born and raised in the bay area, so the giants are my team. for my birthday, my kids purchased tickets to a game so that all of us could go together. most of the tribe went to petco park in san diego to watch the giants face the padres.

it was a perfect summer evening, at a beautiful baseball park with my family. the best part? our team won.

because vickey and i understand the game, and the strategies of baseball, we appreciated the contest, even though there were no hits for the majority of the innings. seated behind us was a group of people visiting from another country. for them, the game was boring. because baseball is the great american pastime, I think they had hoped to enrich their visit by “doing the american thing”. they did not understand the rules of the battle. they didn’t benefit from the game.

over the years, vickey and i have developed our own rules for the conflicts in our relationship. one difference of course being that we don’t fight recreationally. it’s not our favorite pastime, nor is it something we enjoy. but conflict can be a healthy thing in any relationship. if we approach our disagreements with some good rules, and the right attitude, we can both win at the end. the result will be a greater intimacy, and the confidence that we will be able to successfully face other struggles in the future.

we call these our rules for fair fighting – and we have agreed together to follow them in the heat of the battle. we share them with you in the hopes that they will give you some “rules for the game:”

1. make it a goal to express irritations and annoyances in a positive, loving manner, rather than holding your mate in the negative or being negative in general.

2. start out by saying “I have a problem with . . . “ rather than “you did such and such”.

3. stay on the issue. you will not fix all of your problems, past and present, in this one discussion – so address only the issue at hand.

4. attempt to control the emotional level and the intensity of the quarrel. no hitting or throwing (this one may seem like a no-brainer, but it can happen – so just don’t).

5. no name calling. resorting to insult is hurtful and counterproductive. you want to face the problem together, not face off against each other.

6. the “d” word is off limits – threatening, or even joking about divorce is not an option.

7. no walking away. you can’t resolve the issue together, if you’re not, well . . . together. if you have to take a 10 minute breather to calm down, then agree to reconvene in a specified time to address the problem (we suggest 15 minutes max). stick to your agreement.

8. words like “never, “always”, “everyone”, “nothing” are not used.

9. no interrupting. let your partner finish his or her thought before speaking. concentrate on listening to what the other is saying rather than formulating your answer.

10. don’t bring up past failures.

11. be quick to ask for forgiveness when needed. admit wrongdoing quickly.

12. extend forgiveness.

13. don’t go to bed mad. before turning out the lights reaffirm each other, even if you haven’t fully resolved the issue. remind each other how much you love each other, and that you are committed to the other for life.

remember – you’re both on the same team.

fight or flight

2008-10-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine was shopping in a department store recently. she was waiting to be helped, standing behind a mother with her young children. the department store employee watched this customer as she struggled with trying to keep her youngsters in line, placing her selections on the counter, kids being loud, fussy, sick of shopping – picture it? making small talk and trying to set the shopper at ease, the clerk asked the woman the ages of her children, and was she married. yes, she was married.

“how long have you been married?” the clerk asked her.

“ten years”, the woman responded.

the clerk stopped and looked at the customer with wonder.

“TEN YEARS? wow!” (apparently a ten year track record was beyond the scope of this gal’s experience or observation). “that’s amazing. ten years? how do you do it? i mean, what’s your secret? what words of advice would you offer in order to have a successful marriage?”

the customer stopped for a moment and caught the young girl’s gaze. for a few long seconds she just stared at her – as if the answer was too obvious to deserve a response. realizing the girl’s honest need to know, she answered simply –

“you STAY.”

psychologists have identified the fight or flight syndrome. it’s the way our body deals with the day-to-day stresses we face. most of us major on either one side or the other.

here's one of my little secrets: i’m the “flight-er”. when things get rough – everything in me wants to bail. which is kinda weird because i have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with my husband. most of the time, i not only love him, i actually like him. yet I STILL have to resist the urge of flight when under pressure. seriously – there are moments under stress when it crosses my mind “i’m outta here” - “i SO don’t need this”.

our culture has honed the flight syndrome very well. society, the media, has bombarded us - if something doesn’t work out – pursue your dreams elsewhere. everywhere we look we are force-fed that we’re number one. don’t put up with what you don’t have to. do what feels good (if that’s true then I’m sunk – working through conflict SO doesn’t feel good). the message is that running away from trouble will somehow make it go away. blah blah blah blah blah.

try this instead. STAY. see what inconceivably wonderful benefits come from working through things together. stick with each other. get help if you need it. talk. encourage each other. tell him (or her) again that you love him.

this picture kinda reminds me of the STAY. these are my two youngest grandsons. both are in that “me” stage of toddlerhood. in spite of the fact that they both believe they are the center of the universe, somehow, miraculously, they managed to stay on the piano bench together. the result was a freeze frame of sweetness. in their own way, they made some beautiful music together.

time to speak up

2008-10-12T14:02:00.000-07:00

we have so many freedoms living in the u.s. of a. we’re not perfect as a nation – but if you who have done any travelling outside the country, you know that there are a lot of benefits to living in “the land of the free”.

part of keeping our freedom, has to do with using it. ok, ok – not trying to get too preachy here – but here it comes: have you registered to vote? if you are registered – do you exercise the right to vote by actually voting?

on november 4, we have an opportunity to choose to use our vote to make decisions about our political representatives as well as to voice our opinions about a number of other issues.

one issue here in california is of particular importance - and that is proposition 8. if you have been watching the news, you know that the california supreme court recently chose to legalize marriage between people of the same gender.

that issue has once again been placed on the ballot (ballot measure proposition 8), and we have the chance, no, the responsibility, to cast our vote on that matter. this may sound all very cliché – but until and unless the right is taken away, we do still have the right to vote according to our beliefs and opinions.

at the most foundational level, we, at married for keeps, believe that marriage was originally designed as the union between a man and a woman. going all the way back to the book of genesis in the Bible, where the story begins – God created adam, and then because adam was alone (and that was not a good thing), God created eve – and the two of them were literally designed to live together as man and wife.

we’re not going to fully get into it here, perhaps another blog, but we live in a world where absolutes are unpopular, and those who adhere to them are considered intolerant. we have a number of friends who live a same-sex lifestyle, and we love each one of them dearly. yet there are a multitude of evidences that the union between people of the same sex just wasn’t a part of the original blueprint.

we believe the preservation of the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman is key to the preservation of the american home, and the nation. how californians cast their votes regarding proposition 8 will determine the future of american society.

on saturday, november 1st, at qualcomm stadium in san diego, there is a gathering for the purpose of fasting and praying regarding this key issue. consider this your invitation to join. there is no cost to register, but registration is mandatory. go to The Call for more information and to register.

one last reminder: october 20th is the last day to register to vote in the november 4th election. if you haven’t yet registered, please do so now.

friends are like scotch tape

2008-09-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

do you have a good friend? you know, the kind where even if you don’t talk for awhile, you’re able to pick up where you left off?

when we were first married, there was a group of us – young married couples – all in the same boat. just learning how to be married, starting our families. most of us were struggling financially.

this shot is some of us in the early 80's. (we will be shot for posting this.)

fast forward another 20+ years.

recently, i got to thinking about it, and decided that seeing each other “occasionally” was no longer good enough. so i sent out invitations to the girls and asked if we could make a point of getting together four times a year. doesn’t sound like much, but some years we don’t see each other at all. we set the date for our first “girl-together”. that night we laughed, we cried, we told stories, and we shared our troubles.

we laughingly call ourselves “the magnolias” – after the movie “steel magnolias”. we are all really very different, yet deeply devoted to each other.

we were surprised when our kids complained because they weren’t included. our husbands wanted to know when they could join us. our families remembered all the years past - all the events – the intimate history we share. they wanted to reconnect too.

we decided to have a “family reunion”. our friends jeff and cindy volunteered their house; they rented a bounce house for the kids, fired up the Q, and the families came. our totals: 7 couples. 23 kids. 14 grandchildren. most of our children are grown now with families of their own. there were “kids” there I didn’t recognize. the whole lot of them world changers. among us there are business owners, nurses, engineers, teachers, musicians, pastors. . . the list goes on and on - people of influence in so many arenas of life – strong men and women of conviction who are using their gifts and skills to affect the globe for good.

then it hit me. i am convinced that these precious people are a good part of the reason why we are still married, and why our kids are at least, fairly normal (note to my children: one of the reasons you are all so wonderful is that you don’t fit the mold). as we reminisced, i let my mind wander – re-capturing memories – some good, some painful. times when there was cause for great celebration, and times when the world was ending. the common thread was that we were there for

each other. we listened. we prayed. we encouraged. we laughed. like scotch tape we stuck by each other. we told each other when we needed the telling. we risked. we loved. we challenged. we discovered together how to love our husbands, love our wives, and we shared what we learned with each other. we helped each other raise our children.

we talk about the importance of friendships, but we live our lives as if we are the only ones that really matter. a hearty THANK YOU to the courageous, risk-taking, faithful, cutting edge men and women in our lives – our dearest friends. you have loved us and encouraged us in this race, and because you did, we are still racing. : )

how to build a rock solid marriage foundation (or at least pour some of the concrete)

2008-08-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

mayhem, clutter, noise, laughter, squeals, pandemonium, chaos . . . a description of our family get-togethers. we call it blessed bedlam – and we love it. recently we spent our vacation with the entire family – on a houseboat – seventeen, yep, that’s 17 of us. you can read more about that at cameron's blog or morgan's blog. it was a trip we dreamed about for years, and we made memories to last a lifetime.

after ten days of communal living i went through withdrawals when everyone returned to their own homes. i admit it, i have a chronic case of motherhood. thankfully, the majority of the tribe lives within a 30 mile radius. our son, his wife, and our youngest grandchild however, live about 4 hours away. this last weekend i made the trek to get another grandbaby fix.

we had a great time together - morgan thought it would be fun to explore a petting zoo near their home. it was a huge hit with ethan! he rode his first pony, tried eating goat poop and rabbit food, patted the sheep (at least 50 times), and explored a play house in the goat yard.

LOVED the baby bunnies. had to pat every one he could get his hands on.

chubby baby hands – pat, pat, pat. toddle away for 5 seconds. toddle back.

pat, pat, pat.

squeal. jibber jabber baby talk at them.

pat, pat, pat.

i’m sure those animals have seen it all –

the sheep, especially, just sat there while he “petted” them.

we love having a growing family. we love the time we can spend with our children, or our grandchildren. however, as parents, we can get so involved in our children’s lives, it is easy to spend all of our energies on the kids, and have only the leftovers for our mates.

when we first got married, we decided that we would practice “dating” regularly. sounded like a good plan at the time. the true test came after baby no. 1. we made all the arrangements for our evening (which in itself was no small feat! – let’s face it – just arranging a babysitter can be a mountain to climb). as the time for our departure neared, sarah was being fussy and i felt like i should stay at home, you know, and “be a good Mom”. gunther’s response stuck with me, and actually became a guideline for our years with young children. his answer to my dilemma sounded something like “i know the baby needs you, but our relationship is the foundation of this home. our kids will do well, if you and i are doing well. if we don’t take time for each other, then someday, when our children are grown and gone, you and I will look at each other and won’t have anything in common. we started as just you and me, and when that day comes, it’ll be just you and me again.” i realized then, that our children would be the most secure in an environment where mommy and daddy’s relationship was strong and loving. so . . . we dated.

it wasn’t always easy to break away from the children on date nights. truth be told it could be flat out rough. sometimes one of us would argue that we couldn’t afford to date that week. to which the other would respond, “we can’t afford not to”. when we were broke – it forced us to find creative ways to get away together and have fun.

now that we’re the only ones at home, we still date. we still need romance, and fun, and new adventures together. it helps to keep the “us” alive.

think of it this way, every time you date, you’re strengthening your foundation.

marriage for lifers

2008-08-10T16:03:00.000-07:00

let's face it. marriage is hard. we will celebrate our 33rd anniversary this next january. i (vickey) tell gunther "you were the best decision i ever made". at the same time, marriage is the hardest thing i have ever done. the payoffs are amazing, but so is the work involved.

we see couples fall by the wayside all the time. young ones, old ones - newlyweds, oldlyweds. literally it scares the hell out of us. so we have made a decision. we will do all we can to be married for life - just as we promised on day one. but we also want to do all we can to help others stay married for life.

that's what this blog is all about. along the way, we've learned a few things. and we will share what we've learned. we'll also be honest about the places where we still fall short. the good, the bad, and the ugly of living a life together. not just existing under the same roof - but doing it well - and staying in love in the process.

we welcome your feedback, your questions, your stories. let's root each other on and make a good thing even better.

enjoying the journey - gunther and vickey