fight or flight

a friend of mine was shopping in a department store recently. she was waiting to be helped, standing behind a mother with her young children. the department store employee watched this customer as she struggled with trying to keep her youngsters in line, placing her selections on the counter, kids being loud, fussy, sick of shopping – picture it? making small talk and trying to set the shopper at ease, the clerk asked the woman the ages of her children, and was she married. yes, she was married.

“how long have you been married?” the clerk asked her.

“ten years”, the woman responded.

the clerk stopped and looked at the customer with wonder.

“TEN YEARS? wow!” (apparently a ten year track record was beyond the scope of this gal’s experience or observation). “that’s amazing. ten years? how do you do it? i mean, what’s your secret? what words of advice would you offer in order to have a successful marriage?”

the customer stopped for a moment and caught the young girl’s gaze. for a few long seconds she just stared at her – as if the answer was too obvious to deserve a response. realizing the girl’s honest need to know, she answered simply –

“you STAY.”

psychologists have identified the fight or flight syndrome. it’s the way our body deals with the day-to-day stresses we face. most of us major on either one side or the other.

here's one of my little secrets: i’m the “flight-er”. when things get rough – everything in me wants to bail. which is kinda weird because i have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with my husband. most of the time, i not only love him, i actually like him. yet I STILL have to resist the urge of flight when under pressure. seriously – there are moments under stress when it crosses my mind “i’m outta here” - “i SO don’t need this”.

our culture has honed the flight syndrome very well. society, the media, has bombarded us - if something doesn’t work out – pursue your dreams elsewhere. everywhere we look we are force-fed that we’re number one. don’t put up with what you don’t have to. do what feels good (if that’s true then I’m sunk – working through conflict SO doesn’t feel good). the message is that running away from trouble will somehow make it go away. blah blah blah blah blah.

try this instead. STAY. see what inconceivably wonderful benefits come from working through things together. stick with each other. get help if you need it. talk. encourage each other. tell him (or her) again that you love him.




this picture kinda reminds me of the STAY. these are my two youngest grandsons. both are in that “me” stage of toddlerhood. in spite of the fact that they both believe they are the center of the universe, somehow, miraculously, they managed to stay on the piano bench together. the result was a freeze frame of sweetness. in their own way, they made some beautiful music together.

time to speak up

we have so many freedoms living in the u.s. of a. we’re not perfect as a nation – but if you who have done any travelling outside the country, you know that there are a lot of benefits to living in “the land of the free”.

part of keeping our freedom, has to do with using it. ok, ok – not trying to get too preachy here – but here it comes: have you registered to vote? if you are registered – do you exercise the right to vote by actually voting?

on november 4, we have an opportunity to choose to use our vote to make decisions about our political representatives as well as to voice our opinions about a number of other issues.

one issue here in california is of particular importance - and that is proposition 8. if you have been watching the news, you know that the california supreme court recently chose to legalize marriage between people of the same gender.

that issue has once again been placed on the ballot (ballot measure proposition 8), and we have the chance, no, the responsibility, to cast our vote on that matter. this may sound all very cliché – but until and unless the right is taken away, we do still have the right to vote according to our beliefs and opinions.

at the most foundational level, we, at married for keeps, believe that marriage was originally designed as the union between a man and a woman. going all the way back to the book of genesis in the Bible, where the story begins – God created adam, and then because adam was alone (and that was not a good thing), God created eve – and the two of them were literally designed to live together as man and wife.

we’re not going to fully get into it here, perhaps another blog, but we live in a world where absolutes are unpopular, and those who adhere to them are considered intolerant. we have a number of friends who live a same-sex lifestyle, and we love each one of them dearly. yet there are a multitude of evidences that the union between people of the same sex just wasn’t a part of the original blueprint.

we believe the preservation of the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman is key to the preservation of the american home, and the nation. how californians cast their votes regarding proposition 8 will determine the future of american society.

on saturday, november 1st, at qualcomm stadium in san diego, there is a gathering for the purpose of fasting and praying regarding this key issue. consider this your invitation to join. there is no cost to register, but registration is mandatory. go to The Call for more information and to register.

one last reminder: october 20th is the last day to register to vote in the november 4th election. if you haven’t yet registered, please do so now.

friends are like scotch tape

do you have a good friend? you know, the kind where even if you don’t talk for awhile, you’re able to pick up where you left off?

when we were first married, there was a group of us – young married couples – all in the same boat. just learning how to be married, starting our families. most of us were struggling financially.

this shot is some of us in the early 80's. (we will be shot for posting this.)

fast forward another 20+ years.

recently, i got to thinking about it, and decided that seeing each other “occasionally” was no longer good enough. so i sent out invitations to the girls and asked if we could make a point of getting together four times a year. doesn’t sound like much, but some years we don’t see each other at all. we set the date for our first “girl-together”. that night we laughed, we cried, we told stories, and we shared our troubles.

we laughingly call ourselves “the magnolias” – after the movie “steel magnolias”. we are all really very different, yet deeply devoted to each other.

we were surprised when our kids complained because they weren’t included. our husbands wanted to know when they could join us. our families remembered all the years past - all the events – the intimate history we share. they wanted to reconnect too.

we decided to have a “family reunion”. our friends jeff and cindy volunteered their house; they rented a bounce house for the kids, fired up the Q, and the families came. our totals: 7 couples. 23 kids. 14 grandchildren. most of our children are grown now with families of their own. there were “kids” there I didn’t recognize. the whole lot of them world changers. among us there are business owners, nurses, engineers, teachers, musicians, pastors. . . the list goes on and on - people of influence in so many arenas of life – strong men and women of conviction who are using their gifts and skills to affect the globe for good.

then it hit me. i am convinced that these precious people are a good part of the reason why we are still married, and why our kids are at least, fairly normal (note to my children: one of the reasons you are all so wonderful is that you don’t fit the mold). as we reminisced, i let my mind wander – re-capturing memories – some good, some painful. times when there was cause for great celebration, and times when the world was ending. the common thread was that we were there for

each other. we listened. we prayed. we encouraged. we laughed. like scotch tape we stuck by each other. we told each other when we needed the telling. we risked. we loved. we challenged. we discovered together how to love our husbands, love our wives, and we shared what we learned with each other. we helped each other raise our children.

we talk about the importance of friendships, but we live our lives as if we are the only ones that really matter. a hearty THANK YOU to the courageous, risk-taking, faithful, cutting edge men and women in our lives – our dearest friends. you have loved us and encouraged us in this race, and because you did, we are still racing. : )

how to build a rock solid marriage foundation (or at least pour some of the concrete)

mayhem, clutter, noise, laughter, squeals, pandemonium, chaos . . . a description of our family get-togethers. we call it blessed bedlam – and we love it. recently we spent our vacation with the entire family – on a houseboat – seventeen, yep, that’s 17 of us. you can read more about that at cameron's blog or morgan's blog. it was a trip we dreamed about for years, and we made memories to last a lifetime.

after ten days of communal living i went through withdrawals when everyone returned to their own homes. i admit it, i have a chronic case of motherhood. thankfully, the majority of the tribe lives within a 30 mile radius. our son, his wife, and our youngest grandchild however, live about 4 hours away. this last weekend i made the trek to get another grandbaby fix.

we had a great time together - morgan thought it would be fun to explore a petting zoo near their home. it was a huge hit with ethan! he rode his first pony, tried eating goat poop and rabbit food, patted the sheep (at least 50 times), and explored a play house in the goat yard.

LOVED the baby bunnies. had to pat every one he could get his hands on.

chubby baby hands – pat, pat, pat. toddle away for 5 seconds. toddle back.

pat, pat, pat.

squeal. jibber jabber baby talk at them.

pat, pat, pat.

i’m sure those animals have seen it all –

the sheep, especially, just sat there while he “petted” them.

we love having a growing family. we love the time we can spend with our children, or our grandchildren. however, as parents, we can get so involved in our children’s lives, it is easy to spend all of our energies on the kids, and have only the leftovers for our mates.

when we first got married, we decided that we would practice “dating” regularly. sounded like a good plan at the time. the true test came after baby no. 1. we made all the arrangements for our evening (which in itself was no small feat! – let’s face it – just arranging a babysitter can be a mountain to climb). as the time for our departure neared, sarah was being fussy and i felt like i should stay at home, you know, and “be a good Mom”. gunther’s response stuck with me, and actually became a guideline for our years with young children. his answer to my dilemma sounded something like “i know the baby needs you, but our relationship is the foundation of this home. our kids will do well, if you and i are doing well. if we don’t take time for each other, then someday, when our children are grown and gone, you and I will look at each other and won’t have anything in common. we started as just you and me, and when that day comes, it’ll be just you and me again.” i realized then, that our children would be the most secure in an environment where mommy and daddy’s relationship was strong and loving. so . . . we dated.

it wasn’t always easy to break away from the children on date nights. truth be told it could be flat out rough. sometimes one of us would argue that we couldn’t afford to date that week. to which the other would respond, “we can’t afford not to”. when we were broke – it forced us to find creative ways to get away together and have fun.

now that we’re the only ones at home, we still date. we still need romance, and fun, and new adventures together. it helps to keep the “us” alive.

think of it this way, every time you date, you’re strengthening your foundation.

marriage for lifers

let's face it. marriage is hard. we will celebrate our 33rd anniversary this next january. i (vickey) tell gunther "you were the best decision i ever made". at the same time, marriage is the hardest thing i have ever done. the payoffs are amazing, but so is the work involved.

we see couples fall by the wayside all the time. young ones, old ones - newlyweds, oldlyweds. literally it scares the hell out of us. so we have made a decision. we will do all we can to be married for life - just as we promised on day one. but we also want to do all we can to help others stay married for life.

that's what this blog is all about. along the way, we've learned a few things. and we will share what we've learned. we'll also be honest about the places where we still fall short. the good, the bad, and the ugly of living a life together. not just existing under the same roof - but doing it well - and staying in love in the process.

we welcome your feedback, your questions, your stories. let's root each other on and make a good thing even better.

enjoying the journey - gunther and vickey