downsizing

it has almost become a national pastime. everywhere we go it’s a topic of conversation. even corporate america is downsizing. for many reasons, be it economics or the need to streamline, businesses and individuals are trimming back.

for a couple of years we had been feeling the urge to simplify our lives. at times our schedules would get so busy they would crowd each other out. our house filled with all the stuff we had accumulated over the years. as our family grew so did our possessions. with the passing of each of our parents, much of their households were assimilated into ours. when the grandkids started arriving, vickey kept a stash of toys, games, and creature comforts. her intent was that there would be enough to keep every grandchild occupied, and each of their parents comfortable.
for us the equation was “more stuff + more busy-ness = more maintenance + more time and less energy”. the question remained, begging an answer . . . “will you simplify?” although attracted by the idea of downsizing, our dilemma was not knowing how or where to begin.

all of that changed when we were offered an office/home in the historic village of arroyo grande, one that would give married for keeps a more noticeable face in our community. available space in the village is rare, and we knew instinctively that we needed to grab it. the catch? we would need to live in the new office/home for awhile, and that meant decreasing our living space by two-thirds. suddenly “simplify” took on a whole new meaning.

overnight, we had to get ruthless about what we would take with us and what, as gunther began to say, would be “jettisoned”. in classic kriwinski fashion, gunther’s list of “keeps” and vickey’s list were entirely different. it got emotional on many occasions. some of the items had historic and deep sentimental meaning to one or both of us. we had to ask each other and ourselves some hard questions. it meant re-evaluating what we could have available for family visits – a tough bridge for vickey. the recliner we got from gunther’s dad had to go – a tough crossing for gunther. there were hundreds of decisions and a lot of letting go.

when gunther had heart surgery last year, vickey remembered saying “i don’t care where we live or what we do. it’s you and me babe, and i’m just thankful that you’re still here”. it was a chorus that echoed in both of our hearts and minds through the process – bringing us back to the now, forcing us to determine what was important.

in the process of discovering the excess “baggage” that we were carrying in our house, we found a lot of excess “baggage” in our hearts, and our marriage. getting in touch with our attachments to our things, somehow revealed some places where we had taken on some dead weight. we got into the spirit of unloading, and uncovered some issues we needed to talk about, some things that needed resolution, some areas where we had stuffed when we could have discussed. it took us on a journey of deeper discovery of each other. the give and take of the process has allowed us to touch each other’s hearts at even deeper levels and to strive to understand our spouse more completely, rather than to be understood. we found a correlation: the more we off loaded, the deeper our mutual bond. we were rediscovering our reliance and trust in one another.

slogging through our emotional baggage became more of an ordeal than the actual move itself. it was a fatiguing process, and but it was freeing. it forced us to face our own inflexibilities and learn (again) how to be more adaptable, not just to our living situation, but to each other.

operation downsize has prompted us to reclaim simplicity, to live less encumbered, to move more readily to the place of discussing issues when they are fresh. not to allow them to become the litter that fills the closets of our hearts and minds, or to clutter the living room of our relationship so that we can’t see or enjoy each other as fully as we desire.

someone once said “it’s hard to move forward in your life when your past is crowding your present”.

we downsized, and we’re so glad we did. we extend the same invitation to you . . .will you simplify?. jettison the baggage in your home, your heart and in your marriage. clean out those emotional closets. dump the dead weight. if you need outside help, get it. the freedom it will bring you and the life it will infuse into your marriage is worth it. you are worth it, and so is your mate.

(just could not resist adding this image of one of our little guys with baggage of his own)

time to take out the trash

imagine what your house would look like if you never took out the trash. picture the piles of refuse growing in your kitchen, decaying and putrefying; your wastebaskets overflowing onto the floor around them. visualize the mess spreading to other parts of your home. as time moves forward, the smell of garbage permeates not only your home, but spills out onto the street. anyone who passes by your house can smell the stench before they reach your front door.

once there is no longer any room indoors, and the refuse spills outdoors, your front yard is littered with old appliances, newspapers, and filth of every kind. critters begin to build nests and burrows in and amongst your leavings, and other infestations soon become a real problem. finally, imagine yourself at the breaking point. when you can take the burden of the chaos and filth no longer, you make the decision to do something about it. but now, the problem is almost too large to address. where do you begin? it’s overwhelming because the issue of taking out the trash is no longer the only issue. now you must deal with the pests and their nests. you will need to sort through the piles, organizing what to keep, what to trash, and you will need to re-learn how to live without the clutter. you will need to learn how to take out the trash. you are also ashamed by the realization that your trash has affected your neighbors and has created an eyesore in the community. all of this will take a supreme amount of time and energy to confront the enormous task ahead. got the picture?

neglecting to take out the trash is one of the most common causes of failure in marriages. it starts out as a very small problem, almost unperceivable, but over time, it’s fatal.

i’m talking about the trash of bitterness: the little offenses, the slights, the unsolved issues that exist in every marital union. it seems so much easier to ignore them, to stuff them. they’ll go away . . . riiii - ight?

consider these scenarios:

#1 she’d always been controlling. at first he saw her as a “go-getter” . . . outgoing. eventually she seemed merely controlling. no matter what he did it was never right. she corrected and nattered at him all the time. he tried to talk to her about it, but usually backed down. it’s wasn’t worth the hassle, so he ignored it. over time he realized that he too was becoming more and more critical of her. he didn’t voice it as she did, but it was there. he found that he preferred the company of his buddies more than that of his wife. more and more he made excuses to come home later, and after awhile, he just didn’t care.

#2 he had a history of drinking. while he was drinking he neglected his wife, neglected his children, and generally lived the life of a drunkard. but she loved him, and waited for him through all of the pain and the financial fall out. finally after years of begging, he checked into rehab, and he came out sober. she had great expectations for him to take the helm and be the head of the household. it was a slow process and things didn’t move along the way she’d hoped. she found herself resentful but she maintained a stiff upper lip. resentment eventually grew to criticism, and then disdain. before long their home had become a boxing ring, where ugly things were thought and said and thrown like punches. neither one wanted to stay with the other any longer. it was just too hard.

#3 he didn’t like the dinner. he told her so. although he was well-meaning, it hurt her feelings. she chose not to talk to him about it, after all, it was such a small thing. yet she found her heart cooling toward him.

little offenses, no matter how small, will become big ones, when not dealt with.

in order to keep our marriages free from the clutter of bitterness, we must take out the trash, and do it regularly.

i know one couple that makes a practice, every night, of taking a few minutes and touching base with each other. “did i do something today that hurt or offended you?” they choose to be honest with each other. they disclose, and they offer forgiveness. when that question has been answered, they follow with “did i do anything today that made you happy?” at first, this practice may take longer than a few minutes, but you will find that as the garbage can is emptied regularly, it becomes easier and easier, not only to take out the trash, but to prevent the creation of garbage in the first place.

for this practice to be effective you must agree to be honest with each other. do your best to state your case in terms that are not accusatory, but rather focus on how your spouse’s behavior affected you. then, when your spouse is sharing, own it. don’t make excuses, don’t rationalize. if you hurt your partner, whether intentional or not, apologize. and mean it. when your mate apologizes, forgive. true forgiveness is more important to your own well being than to theirs (another issue – probably for the next blog).

of course, this approach assumes that there isn’t much trash to take out. if your trash has accumulated and you find that your relationship is characterized by contempt and criticism, it’s time to get help. get help and get it fast. check your local church or city chamber to get some referrals for a marriage counselor. ask around to see who’s good. some churches offer free counseling, others are fee based. whatever the price, it’s worth it. consider the alternative – divorce is a messy and very costly “solution” when the trash build up has gotten out of control.

emotionally naked, and not ashamed

vulnerable: a real buzz word for the last couple of decades. it has been used to describe a certain desireable quality in a partner. the word “vulnerable” suggests a kind of sexiness. both men and women tend to find vulnerability in the opposite sex very attractive.

in any relationship, especially in a marriage, vulnerability is a key component to communication and intimacy. the most successful marriages are the ones in which each partner has made him or herself completely vulnerable to the other. if vulnerability is a gateway to connection and intimacy, all the buzz makes sense.

what does it mean “to be vulnerable”?

consider webster’s definition: vulnerable (vul׳ nәr ә bәl) adj. 1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt physically or emotionally. 2. susceptible to temptation or corrupt influence. 3. open to or defenseless against criticism or moral attack. derived from the ‘late latin’ meaning “wound-able”

webster’s thesaurus lists “unprotected” as a synonym. or “exposed”; which means the condition of being exposed to something detrimental. exposure to attack.

these words paint an incredible picture of trust. a choosing to present your weakest and most defenseless places to your mate, believing that your loved one will protect and cover you, rather than lean in for the attack. by the definition, that’s what vulnerability is, allowing oneself to be “wound-able". in a marriage, allowing yourselves to be susceptible to each other, and guarding the other’s back will result in a closeness and a depth of communication that is truly unparalleled.

let me use our little chihuahua, jasmine, as an example of being “wound-able”. jasmine is loved and well cared for. her favorite pasttime is to find a place in the house where the sun is streaming through the window and lay down in the sunshine. it is in that posture that she is the most content. recently she has adopted a practice that makes us laugh, but says a lot about her trust in us. while she is “sunbathing” if one of us gets within a few feet of her, regardless of where she is, she rolls over, belly up. in the dog world, exposing one’s underbelly is the equivalent of submission, confidence, a feeling of safety. when we approach our pet, she is so confident that she is safe and loved that she voluntarily exposes her weakest side. in doing so, the result is often a scratch on her underside, a pat on the belly – the equivalent of intimacy and affection in dog-land.

what does vulnerability look like? ask yourself - when i am with my spouse, am i guarded and self-protecting, or willing to easily expose my underbelly? when my spouse exposes his or her frailties, what do i do with that? am i affirming and encouraging, or do i go for the jugular? there’s no question that we’ve all been wounded at some point or another by the one closest to us. when that happens, how do i respond? do i retaliate in kind? do i keep my deepest thoughts, my dreams, my failures to myself because i am afraid of getting hurt? or are we healthy enough as a couple that i can forgive, and allow myself to be vulnerable again? emotional intimacy simply cannot exist in an environment where each spouse is afraid of emotional nakedness. if there is a sentinel on duty, posted at the gates of my heart, warding off any potential attack from my spouse, then we cannot share our hearts with each other.

we all know of a marriage where both partners co-habitate under the same roof, but there is no depth, no softness, no susceptiblity to each other, no emotional nakedness. tragic. if that is your conditon, it is not too late to turn things around. do some soul searching, and be honest, first, with yourself. ask yourself some of the self-evaluation questions we noted earlier.

then ask your spouse “do i make you feel safe? have i ever wounded you when you made yourself vulnerable to me?’” caution: don’t ask this question at the family dinner table. set aside a time when you can be alone, perhaps after the kids are in bed, or you are both out having coffee together. invite your spouse to be gently honest with you, and when your mate answers your question, don’t make excuses, just listen. if your spouse tells you that you have indeed wounded him/her, then apologize. ask for forgiveness. remember, at this point, it is your loved one’s perception of the situation that you are most interested in. in time, as you learn to protect each other’s soft spots, affirming each other at every opportunity, your confidence and sense of safety will increase. take the first step by making yourself vulnerable, and see how that will encourage your mate to do the same. carl s. avery said, “love enables you to put your deepest feelings and fears in the palm of your partner’s hand, knowing they will be handled with care”.

here are some additional quotes to chew on:

“the only love worthy of a name is unconditional” john powell

“when you make a sacrifice in marrige, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship” joseph campbell

“when we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. but to grow up is to accept vulnerability – to be alive is to be vulnerable” madeleine l’engle

** please note we are not addressing relationships where physical abuse is an issue. that is another subject for another time. **

cloning myself = bad idea

why is it so important to us to be the same?

kids are always trying to be the same as their friends. dress the same, do the same things, have the same toys. then when we reach adolescence we try so hard to express our individuality – yet somehow we all look the same while we do it.

those of us who remember the 60’s and the 70’s – all the hippies expressing their feelings against the “establishment” – all did so in the same manner. when punk became popular – thousands of kids – all dressing the same and listening to the same music – again showing how “different” they all were. so many subcultures - goth, rave, emo – cookie cuttered together.

when we grow up, most adults would tell you that they strive to express themselves. to be themselves. to be their own person. ok, sounds great.

think about this: if we prize our individuality so much, why then, when it comes to our marriages, do husbands and wives try so hard to be the same? we attempt, whether we always recognize it or not, to get our spouse to do things the way we do things. to think like we do, to address conflict the same way we do. well, don’t we? we’re thrown off guard when we discover that we have so many dissimilarities. hello?

it is ironic that way back then, we were attracted to our mate because of many of those distinctions. now, our variations can be the very issues that escalate into deal breakers in our marriages.

gunther and i are about as different as you can possibly be. and yes, it was because gunther was so different from me that I fell so hopelessly in love with him, and he with me. little did we know that in the years to come, we would have our work cut out for us.

certain situations seem to trigger our differentness fairly easily. take, for example, travelling.

last weekend, we decided to head down to southern california to visit our son and his family. generally we pack our own gear. gunther has an old army duffle bag that belonged to his dad. it is his favorite “suitcase”. whatever he needs for the trip gets crammed and shoved into that bag. when we reach our destination? you guessed it, in order to unpack, the duffle bag gets upended, usually onto the floor.

i like to use a suitcase. i can fold my clothes in such a way that with a glance i can see what i have with me, and what outfit variations i have available to me. the more choices the better. when we arrive wherever we are going, if i can’t unpack into a dresser or a closet, i can keep everything neat and tidy during our stay.

gunther cannot comprehend why i need so many choices. i don’t see how he can think through the mess.

decision making is another huge divergence in our home. gunther likes to take his time, contemplating every angle, making sure he’s gathered all his facts. even when he thinks out loud, and sounds as though he’s come to a decision, i have learned not to be fooled. there may be a whole lot more thinking that has to take place before he lands. he won’t make a decision until he’s confident that he has examined the issue from all sides.

on most issues, i tend to make fairly quick decisions. i gather what information i think i will need, match that information against any applicable goals, morals, scheduling, whatever, and bam! decision made.

one more example: socially, i think i would’ve been a hermit if i had not married gunther. seriously, i could’ve holed away with a good book for most of my adult life. thanks to my husband’s stretching affect on me, i have learned to extend much farther. i enjoy most social functions, and can hold my own in a crowd. but i am still a wallflower at heart.

gunther adores people, adores social settings, loves to be in the middle of a crowd. he’s always been the people guy. he is as comfortable chatting with a perfect stranger, as he is with his own family.

these are only a few of dozens of examples in our relationship. when we carry these differences into our everyday living - you can imagine all the ways we have to deal with our differentness. i think most of us agree – appreciating and living with someone’s uniqueness can be challenging.

i heard a great story recently that has helped me allow for our distinctions: a man and his wife decide they are going to go to the top of the skyscraper so that they can see the view from the top. they get to the lobby and she sits down to put on her jogging shoes. she wants to take the stairs. no way! he says. he has no intention of climbing all those steps, he wants to take the elevator. so they exasperate themselves and each other struggling to change the other’s mind. the reality is that they both have the same goal – they want to get to the top. so why not embrace their differences and let the other one get there they way he or she wants? they can still enjoy the view together – which was the whole point in the first place.

i’m learning – again – to give my husband space to be himself. truth is, i like that he’s not like me. i like it a lot. he’s not going to do things my way. i’m not going to do things his way. it’s ok. we will live. and we can adapt. we are adults.

sameness = boring. vive la difference!

these are our two youngest grandchildren. ethan (the blondie) wanted his peanuts neatly kept in the drink slot of the cooler. he wanted to eat his snack from his “plate” – alone.

wyatt, wanted to share. he wanted to experience snack eating together with his cousin.

two different styles. you see the conflict it produced? they are not adults.

the wedding standard

cameron ingalls recently interviewed us for "the wedding standard".

cameron is an amazingly gifted wedding photographer; someone who has raised the bar in his industry. in a world where the competition is stiff, one of the unique things about cameron’s talent is that he is so willing to give away what he has learned. as a result he has encouraged and inspired scores of other’s to pursue their dreams.

although we are continually impressed at what cameron produces from behind the lens, he has so many other skills and characteristics that are even more outstanding. so that you won't think we are biased simply because he is our son-in-law – you need to know the truth - we actually fell in love with him before anna did.

please check out our interview.

the beauty of a budget

i hate budgeting. seriously hate it. why do i hate it so much? first of all, it’s a time consuming exercise. time i would rather spend doing just about – well, anything. plus it forces you to really look at where you’ve been spending your money, which can be a painful reality. a budget hits you where it hurts. translation: following a budget can mean not being able to do some things that we really like to do. it can mean sacrifice and restriction.

sometimes the process of setting up a budget produces conflict. one of vickey’s love languages is gift giving. we do not see eye to eye when it comes to allotting a dollar amount to that category. i have a little better handle on the costs involved in maintaining and ultimately replacing a vehicle. this is another area that can bring some disagreement. what about haircuts? entertainment? see the potential for conflict here? it can take some discussion time, and patience, before any compromise, and then agreement can be made.

there’s no denying that for some couples adhering to a budget can be gruelingly painful. establishing a spending plan requires gut-level honesty with each other, sometimes even forgiveness and understanding. most definitely it means a change in spending habits. and there, boys and girls is where the rubber meets the road.

recently we established a new budget. we’ve set up a spending plan before, but in the last few years we have not followed it as closely as we’d like. with global financial developments taking their toll, our household has not been unaffected. so, in the interest of prudence – and in trying to make ends meet – we agreed it was time to visit our “budget” once more, and really make a commitment to stick to it.

we re-did our budget at the end of december. it’s been a month or so and we need to make a few adjustments. we’ll go back to the drawing board to see how we did – some areas we budgeted too high, others too low. we need to take a good look at how we did and if we biffed on the budget - find out why. honesty, forgiveness, trust, understanding. it all comes into play.

the actual following of the budget can, at times, be difficult. sure, there are things we’d like to do, that for now, we just can’t. or rather, we choose not to. saying “no” to yourself is not a popular american practice.

the good news is that we have a mutual goal – we know what we’re trying to achieve financially. and we remind ourselves constantly that sacrifice now, may pay off later. in today’s economy – the goal of many is simple - plain survival: making ends meet in spite of the loss of a job, or increasing fuel prices, or the loss of a home. for others the goal may be a comfortable retirement, college funds, a nice vacation, debt payoff, buying a home or even leaving an inheritance for your children.

any negatives of budgeting are more than balanced by the positives: living within your means, achieving your financial goals, even learning how to work together as a couple is a big plus.

when i say i hate budgeting – i mean it. but it hurts so good, if you know what i mean. as a married couple, we encourage each other and help to keep each other on track. it feels good when we see the plan successfully working. we have setbacks, everybody does. sometimes it’s two steps forward - one step back. when the setbacks come, we strategize again, adjust the figures if need be, or explore together what other options need to be considered.

if you haven’t already budgeted - there are lots of materials out there to help get you started. we recommend any of larry burkett's materials, or dave ramsey's stuff. both of their websites have free downloadable forms to help get you started. you can also explore your library, your local church, and even community professionals for what’s available.

take a deep breath and dive in. if we can do it – anybody can.

“remember why you signed up”

this week our daughter, sarah, and son-in-law, ryan, celebrate their 14th wedding anniversary. we are proud of both of them, and happy to celebrate another landmark in their life together. life has not always been easy for them and their little family, but like many of us, they are

learning and growing together.

(ryan and sarah on a recent trip to the happiest place on earth, with their youngest - wyatt)

it got us thinking, and reminiscing about where we were at the 14 year mark. a flood of pleasant, and unpleasant, memories came back to us. we had three grade school age children. gunther had been seriously injured and required surgery; out of a job, rehabilitating, financial problems. vickey was working full time to support the family while gunther recovered. out of necessity our kids were latch-key kids for a season. we were in survival mode and . . . life was . . . not enjoyable. as a couple, we were not having fun.

at that time we were caught up in the business of marriage, and being responsible and raising children. our home was not a fun place to visit. we were tired, and in our fatigue, too hard on our kids and too hard on each other.

at some point around that time, our church offered a one-day “marriage seminar”. as we recall it didn’t cost much and included lunch at a nice restaurant. so we went. we didn’t think we were “in trouble”, but we figured any chance for a brush up was a good thing. and then again, the free lunch.

19 years later we don’t remember much about the seminar, but one thing stuck. it was these words of advice – “remember why you signed up in the first place”. the couple teaching told their story and it sounded like a carbon copy of where we were at at that time. they were so wrapped up in the business of being married and being responsible and doing it right, that they forgot why they got married to begin with. forgot what attracted them to each other at the start.

their advice to us all was to pause, and take inventory - take a good hard look at your mate. remember what attracted you to that person. remember what about them you really liked. you loved his sense of humor? you respected her devotion to family? you admired his athletic prowess? her self confidence? his ability to make friends? her brains? his goals in life? her sense of adventure? that person is still there, just buried, like you are, under the pile of life.

(here's gunther - still demonstrating his athletic prowess - wiffle ball with the grandsons.)

yea, taking out the trash is important, but none of us got married to become professional trash-taker-outers. we got married to have fun and enjoy each other, to explore new adventures, and tell each other our best kept secrets, to laugh at our own stupid jokes, and keep each other company, to cheer each other on when the race is hard, and go on romantic dates. . . . . and . . . fill in your own blanks.

from time to time – remember. and sign up again, for all the same reasons.

rules for fair fighting

(this post was accidentally deleted from september’s posts. due to popular demand, we are re-posting it now.)

i love baseball. i played for years. my son loves baseball. he played all through school. my wife loves baseball too. after watching hundred of practices and games, vickey developed a love of the game. i was born and raised in the bay area, so the giants are my team. for my birthday, my kids purchased tickets to a game so that all of us could go together. most of the tribe went to petco park in san diego to watch the giants face the padres.

it was a perfect summer evening, at a beautiful baseball park with my family. the best part? our team won.

because vickey and i understand the game, and the strategies of baseball, we appreciated the contest, even though there were no hits for the majority of the innings. seated behind us was a group of people visiting from another country. for them, the game was boring. because baseball is the great american pastime, I think they had hoped to enrich their visit by “doing the american thing”. they did not understand the rules of the battle. they didn’t benefit from the game.

over the years, vickey and i have developed our own rules for the conflicts in our relationship. one difference of course being that we don’t fight recreationally. it’s not our favorite pastime, nor is it something we enjoy. but conflict can be a healthy thing in any relationship. if we approach our disagreements with some good rules, and the right attitude, we can both win at the end. the result will be a greater intimacy, and the confidence that we will be able to successfully face other struggles in the future.

we call these our rules for fair fighting – and we have agreed together to follow them in the heat of the battle. we share them with you in the hopes that they will give you some “rules for the game:”

1. make it a goal to express irritations and annoyances in a positive, loving manner, rather than holding your mate in the negative or being negative in general.

2. start out by saying “I have a problem with . . . “ rather than “you did such and such”.

3. stay on the issue. you will not fix all of your problems, past and present, in this one discussion – so address only the issue at hand.

4. attempt to control the emotional level and the intensity of the quarrel. no hitting or throwing (this one may seem like a no-brainer, but it can happen – so just don’t).

5. no name calling. resorting to insult is hurtful and counterproductive. you want to face the problem together, not face off against each other.

6. the “d” word is off limits – threatening, or even joking about divorce is not an option.

7. no walking away. you can’t resolve the issue together, if you’re not, well . . . together. if you have to take a 10 minute breather to calm down, then agree to reconvene in a specified time to address the problem (we suggest 15 minutes max). stick to your agreement.

8. words like “never, “always”, “everyone”, “nothing” are not used.

9. no interrupting. let your partner finish his or her thought before speaking. concentrate on listening to what the other is saying rather than formulating your answer.

10. don’t bring up past failures.

11. be quick to ask for forgiveness when needed. admit wrongdoing quickly.

12. extend forgiveness.

13. don’t go to bed mad. before turning out the lights reaffirm each other, even if you haven’t fully resolved the issue. remind each other how much you love each other, and that you are committed to the other for life.

remember – you’re both on the same team.