“remember why you signed up”

this week our daughter, sarah, and son-in-law, ryan, celebrate their 14th wedding anniversary. we are proud of both of them, and happy to celebrate another landmark in their life together. life has not always been easy for them and their little family, but like many of us, they are

learning and growing together.

(ryan and sarah on a recent trip to the happiest place on earth, with their youngest - wyatt)

it got us thinking, and reminiscing about where we were at the 14 year mark. a flood of pleasant, and unpleasant, memories came back to us. we had three grade school age children. gunther had been seriously injured and required surgery; out of a job, rehabilitating, financial problems. vickey was working full time to support the family while gunther recovered. out of necessity our kids were latch-key kids for a season. we were in survival mode and . . . life was . . . not enjoyable. as a couple, we were not having fun.

at that time we were caught up in the business of marriage, and being responsible and raising children. our home was not a fun place to visit. we were tired, and in our fatigue, too hard on our kids and too hard on each other.

at some point around that time, our church offered a one-day “marriage seminar”. as we recall it didn’t cost much and included lunch at a nice restaurant. so we went. we didn’t think we were “in trouble”, but we figured any chance for a brush up was a good thing. and then again, the free lunch.

19 years later we don’t remember much about the seminar, but one thing stuck. it was these words of advice – “remember why you signed up in the first place”. the couple teaching told their story and it sounded like a carbon copy of where we were at at that time. they were so wrapped up in the business of being married and being responsible and doing it right, that they forgot why they got married to begin with. forgot what attracted them to each other at the start.

their advice to us all was to pause, and take inventory - take a good hard look at your mate. remember what attracted you to that person. remember what about them you really liked. you loved his sense of humor? you respected her devotion to family? you admired his athletic prowess? her self confidence? his ability to make friends? her brains? his goals in life? her sense of adventure? that person is still there, just buried, like you are, under the pile of life.

(here's gunther - still demonstrating his athletic prowess - wiffle ball with the grandsons.)

yea, taking out the trash is important, but none of us got married to become professional trash-taker-outers. we got married to have fun and enjoy each other, to explore new adventures, and tell each other our best kept secrets, to laugh at our own stupid jokes, and keep each other company, to cheer each other on when the race is hard, and go on romantic dates. . . . . and . . . fill in your own blanks.

from time to time – remember. and sign up again, for all the same reasons.

33 on the 3rd

i am sitting in my cousin’s living room – looking out the picture window at a mountain full of pine and snow. i’m trying to absorb all the beauty and the wonder with my eyes. typically, we travel to northern california over new year’s to spend some time with our extended family. it’s a great chance to connect with our loved ones, and to get some much needed r & r.

our anniversary is on january 3rd, so our new year’s trip often coincides with our anniversary celebration. being in the mountains makes it even easier to enjoy some peace and solitude.

33 years is a long time, and we are both grateful that our mate stuck it out. there have been many chances over the decades to bail out. there have been times when neither one of us was easy to live with - still we’ve had a wonderful life together. we married really young, so we’ve grown up together, we’ve raised our family, and we’ve faced life’s hardships side by side.

when people find out how long we’ve been together we are often asked for our secret. i think there are several. one is that we chose to "stay”. another is that at some point we began to realize that the whole purpose of marriage isn’t necessarily to make us happy. (what? you say – not get married to be happy?) i think that marriage is designed to make us better. designed to challenge us, to press us, to teach us the meaning of sacrifice and giving and loving beyond ourselves. practicing sacrifice and giving doesn’t always make us happy. many cultures in today’s world believe that commitment is the foundation of love – not the other way around. the more i ponder on that one, the more i am inclined to agree. maybe i’m not ready to subscribe to arranged marriages, but i do think that those who do are on to something. they have a much better grasp of what marriage is for than we do. the statistics prove that those marriages are much more successful.

this year, as we pass the 33 year mark, we look at each other with gratitude. i am so thankful for the gift that gunther has given me. the gift of his lifelong commitment. the gift of faithfulness and fidelity. his gift of friendship. the gift of allowing me to be me, while at the same time we are “us”. we’re not teenagers anymore, but we’ve got a lot of mileage left. and we are both very excited as we look forward to the adventures that still lie ahead. do we “have it down”? – this marriage thing? shah – right! we’ve got a lot to learn. maybe, just maybe, we have learned enough to know that we don’t know it all. and that after all these years, we still need help from time to time.

here are some pictures from our new year’s trip to yosemite. it was a day full of wonder and incredible beauty.

the valley with bridalveil falls in the distance

el capitan new year's day 2009

winter magic

defies description doesn't it?

the halls of the ahwahnee hotel decked for the holidays

gunther loves the snow. even more, he loves it when it is snowing. can you see the glee on this man's face?

happy new year to you! (and happy anniversary to us)

visions of sugar plums

this year's gingerbread house was finished just in time for christmas!

i have been asked to show some details for other christmas-aholics - so here are a few pictures.

granddaughter kate was very
proud of her snowman.
she rolled and
baked it herself.

after finishing the house, we made a big tree for the little ones. when it came time to eat the gingerbread house (our christmas eve tradition) the bigger kids were going after the house. wyatt saw his opportunity and had the tree all to himself!

check out cameron's blog for some pics of a previous year's house and it's devouring!

merry christmas!

merry christmas!

christmas arrives too fast, and is over way too soon – but christmas is our favorite time of year! when our kids were little, we gave a lot of thought to developing our own family traditions. now that our children have kids of their own, it is fun to see them establish their own traditions.

we wanted to share some photos from our christmas season so far – hope your christmas is very, very merry.

last year the whole family went to disneyland in december. i had never seen the park decorated for the holidays. it was so much fun, we went again this year. the start of another tradition?

while we were there we saw mickey and minnie. wyatt was beside himself - he just HAD to get close to minnie! it was really cute - we were at the back of the line, but the crowd could hear this little tyke begging to see minnie, and they parted to let him up front. he was SO happy!

ec's favorite ride is the pooh ride at pooh corner. and his favorite girl is his cousin kate. life just doesn't get much better than this.

the little guys get soooo tired toward the end of the day.

another tradition we started awhile back is making a gingerbread house every year. it started as a way for my niece and i to spend some time together at christmas. she wanted to try and make one. it's a lot of work and usually takes us a couple weekends.

this year's edition isn't finished - but we'll show you the finished product when it's done.

because our family is so large, we draw names for gift giving. this year, someone suggested that we write a poem about the person who's name we drew. we'll share our poems with them when we open our presents. hmmm, should be interesting.

so what are your family traditions? would love to hear some of the special things that your family does to celebrate the holidays.

november = character building month

a funny thing happened on my way to the call in san diego.

we had an appointment the night i left, and i didn’t get out of town until after 8 o’clock. driving alone, and knowing i had a long road ahead of me, i decided to pick up the pace a bit. i was clipping along close to 80 mph when I passed one c.h.p. and then 100 yards down the freeway –another one. seconds later the lights were flashing behind me. i made my way to the exit, but as i did the cop blared at me over his loud speaker “turn right at the first street”. at that i was upset and flustered. i followed his instructions but was thinking too much about the price of a speeding ticket and not enough about my driving. i turned right in front of an oncoming car. the driver swerved, horn blaring. "great"' i told myself, "not only are you getting a speeding ticket, but you pulled that one right in front of the policeman. brilliant."

i pulled over and rolled down my window. while opening the glove box to retrieve my registration, the officer approached the car and shined his flashlight in my face. sarcastically he remarked, “yeah. turning right means looking for ongoing traffic first.” i guess i earned that one. next he asked me, “ma’am have you been drinking?” and gave me a drunk driving test. me! i’m the one who always follows the speed limit - plays by the rules. my family likes to accuse me of driving like an old lady. sweet. “ma’am, will you take off your glasses? now follow my finger with your eyes – don’t move your head” (oh that’s perfect. i’m legally blind without my glasses, and i’m supposed to follow his finger, in the dark. what finger? i can’t even see it.) with everything in me, i struggled to follow what i thought was his finger moving back and forth in the shadows. i was probably cross-eyed. i passed, but the process was humbling to say the least. actually, the officer took pity on me. he gave me a stern warning and never wrote the ticket. but there’s one for the record books. my kids loved that the police thought i was drunk.

sadly that was just the beginning of the month. as the month progressed we managed to mess up the blogspot, and before we could re-post and fix our ills, our computer had a massive meltdown. i mean massive. we lost everything – nothing salvaged. after soaking hundreds of dollars into computer repair, both of our cars started acting up and needed fixing(more cha-ching, cha-ching). then our digital camera died (which accounts for the boring lack of pictures in this blog - sorry, we are working to correct that) . . . problems at the office . . . problems, problems, problems. what the heck? is there nothing working right? nothing going my way? you know what i’m talking about. we’ve all had those weeks . . . months . . sometimes years. it can become . . . well, laughable. almost like some cosmic joke and you somehow are the butt of it. you half expect ashton kutcher or allen funt to pop out from behind a camera – ha! just kidding. it was all a prank. until you realize that this . . . is your life.

in the middle of all of this . . . stuff . . . unexpectedly, one of our children ended up in the hospital. for awhile it was scary. really scary. but immediately that event put everything back in perspective. i didn’t care anymore about money issues, or work issues or computers. broken things meant nothing. all of our concern was for our loved one. suddenly it was about where do i stand with God, and Lord are You listening cause here i am and we need You now in a big way. are You there? and will You come here?

(this is a picture of the northern lights over yellow knife, canada. i know, kinda random, but panoramas like this remind me of how small i am in the whole big picture -and how big God is. it's a good thing.)

so what does this have to do with marriage? only this. life can be hard. and none of us will ever be perfect – not in this life anyway. stuff happens. gunther and i have decided that november has been “character building month”. does that mean i embrace trouble with both hands? hardly. when trouble comes do i always handle it well? no. it often gets messy. but i keep trying. mother teresa used to say “God doesn't require us to succeed; He only requires that you try”.

our lives are not perfect but we still have a lot to be thankful for - imperfections and all. i want to be constantly aware, not of what i don’t have, but of what i do have, however much or little there is.

best in shell 2008

a couple of years ago, my wife brought home a chihuahua puppy. for a guy who’s always had sled dogs, having a chihuahua in the house was an adjustment. forgive me, i have never been a small dog lover. they yap. they shiver. they’re soooo annoying. the breed offends my masculinity. do you recall seeing a team of chihuahuas pulling a sled? or picture this – the hunter with his .358 winchester in one hand, his foot resting on the bear he just snagged, and his faithful . . . uh, chihuahua, at his side?

i’m not sure when it happened, but jasmine (that is the dog’s name) got to me. first of all she’s chocolate, plus she rarely shivers, and she really doesn’t yap much. don’t know enough about the breed to know if she’s an exception – but i’ll admit it, she grew on me. don’t tell my wife. i tell her that i hate her dog.

for the last five years, our friend clayton connolly has facilitated a neighborhood dog show: best in shell. the show has gotten great reviews and we had heard that it was a lot of fun. even better, every year clayton donates the proceeds to a worthy cause. in the interest of community support, vickey decided that she wanted to enter jasmine in this year’s show.

this is another entrant in the small dog class:

like a true small dog owner, vickey dressed jasmine in a black ruffled flamenco dress (complete with a pink rose at the “neckline”) and off we went. it was a beautiful day at shell beach. we were pleasantly surprised to see a large turnout. clayton is a competent and engaging m.c. and the day got off to a great start.

then, suddenly, vickey got sick. i mean sick. the i-can’t-move-or-i-will-lose-my-lunch kind of sick. as jasmine’s cue approached i was faced with a decision. my wife had entered jasmine to support the local cause and to show off her dog. would i step in and make it happen, or let my wife be disappointed? if i stepped in, i would need to lead the dog around the circle in front of all those people. still hoping for an escape, every minute or so i checked with vickey – “feeling better yet?” i tried the “it’s your dog” approach, but it became clear that my fears would soon be realized. i would have to parade the small ruffled prissy around the judging rink, and do it with sincerity - without excuses or disclaimers. i didn’t want to embarrass my wife, so for a few minutes, i would have to act the part of the proud owner of a chihuahua.

i did it. jasmine performed perfectly. she pranced around the circle as if she owned the show. and i smiled and led her in her 30 seconds of fame. knowing how mortified i was, my wife snickered and took pictures so that the moment would be captured for future use. and jasmine won! not really, but it would’ve made a great story. actually the real punch line is this: vickey, still green with nausea, whispered her gratitude. it meant a lot to her, and i knew it. that’s why i did it. “i did it because I love you”, i told her as I returned to my seat. she smiled. “i know”, was all she answered.

it’s not always the big things that matter. it’s the small things that count the most. sacrifice is the measure of health in a relationship. nothing says i love you louder than placing the wishes of your loved one before your own. i’m no great saint – i just love my wife. and i want her to know it.

but i still tell her i hate her dog.

rules for fair fighting

(this post was accidentally deleted from september’s posts. due to popular demand, we are re-posting it now.)

i love baseball. i played for years. my son loves baseball. he played all through school. my wife loves baseball too. after watching hundred of practices and games, vickey developed a love of the game. i was born and raised in the bay area, so the giants are my team. for my birthday, my kids purchased tickets to a game so that all of us could go together. most of the tribe went to petco park in san diego to watch the giants face the padres.

it was a perfect summer evening, at a beautiful baseball park with my family. the best part? our team won.

because vickey and i understand the game, and the strategies of baseball, we appreciated the contest, even though there were no hits for the majority of the innings. seated behind us was a group of people visiting from another country. for them, the game was boring. because baseball is the great american pastime, I think they had hoped to enrich their visit by “doing the american thing”. they did not understand the rules of the battle. they didn’t benefit from the game.

over the years, vickey and i have developed our own rules for the conflicts in our relationship. one difference of course being that we don’t fight recreationally. it’s not our favorite pastime, nor is it something we enjoy. but conflict can be a healthy thing in any relationship. if we approach our disagreements with some good rules, and the right attitude, we can both win at the end. the result will be a greater intimacy, and the confidence that we will be able to successfully face other struggles in the future.

we call these our rules for fair fighting – and we have agreed together to follow them in the heat of the battle. we share them with you in the hopes that they will give you some “rules for the game:”

1. make it a goal to express irritations and annoyances in a positive, loving manner, rather than holding your mate in the negative or being negative in general.

2. start out by saying “I have a problem with . . . “ rather than “you did such and such”.

3. stay on the issue. you will not fix all of your problems, past and present, in this one discussion – so address only the issue at hand.

4. attempt to control the emotional level and the intensity of the quarrel. no hitting or throwing (this one may seem like a no-brainer, but it can happen – so just don’t).

5. no name calling. resorting to insult is hurtful and counterproductive. you want to face the problem together, not face off against each other.

6. the “d” word is off limits – threatening, or even joking about divorce is not an option.

7. no walking away. you can’t resolve the issue together, if you’re not, well . . . together. if you have to take a 10 minute breather to calm down, then agree to reconvene in a specified time to address the problem (we suggest 15 minutes max). stick to your agreement.

8. words like “never, “always”, “everyone”, “nothing” are not used.

9. no interrupting. let your partner finish his or her thought before speaking. concentrate on listening to what the other is saying rather than formulating your answer.

10. don’t bring up past failures.

11. be quick to ask for forgiveness when needed. admit wrongdoing quickly.

12. extend forgiveness.

13. don’t go to bed mad. before turning out the lights reaffirm each other, even if you haven’t fully resolved the issue. remind each other how much you love each other, and that you are committed to the other for life.

remember – you’re both on the same team.