emotionally naked, and not ashamed

vulnerable: a real buzz word for the last couple of decades. it has been used to describe a certain desireable quality in a partner. the word “vulnerable” suggests a kind of sexiness. both men and women tend to find vulnerability in the opposite sex very attractive.

in any relationship, especially in a marriage, vulnerability is a key component to communication and intimacy. the most successful marriages are the ones in which each partner has made him or herself completely vulnerable to the other. if vulnerability is a gateway to connection and intimacy, all the buzz makes sense.

what does it mean “to be vulnerable”?

consider webster’s definition: vulnerable (vul׳ nәr ә bәl) adj. 1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt physically or emotionally. 2. susceptible to temptation or corrupt influence. 3. open to or defenseless against criticism or moral attack. derived from the ‘late latin’ meaning “wound-able”

webster’s thesaurus lists “unprotected” as a synonym. or “exposed”; which means the condition of being exposed to something detrimental. exposure to attack.

these words paint an incredible picture of trust. a choosing to present your weakest and most defenseless places to your mate, believing that your loved one will protect and cover you, rather than lean in for the attack. by the definition, that’s what vulnerability is, allowing oneself to be “wound-able". in a marriage, allowing yourselves to be susceptible to each other, and guarding the other’s back will result in a closeness and a depth of communication that is truly unparalleled.

let me use our little chihuahua, jasmine, as an example of being “wound-able”. jasmine is loved and well cared for. her favorite pasttime is to find a place in the house where the sun is streaming through the window and lay down in the sunshine. it is in that posture that she is the most content. recently she has adopted a practice that makes us laugh, but says a lot about her trust in us. while she is “sunbathing” if one of us gets within a few feet of her, regardless of where she is, she rolls over, belly up. in the dog world, exposing one’s underbelly is the equivalent of submission, confidence, a feeling of safety. when we approach our pet, she is so confident that she is safe and loved that she voluntarily exposes her weakest side. in doing so, the result is often a scratch on her underside, a pat on the belly – the equivalent of intimacy and affection in dog-land.

what does vulnerability look like? ask yourself - when i am with my spouse, am i guarded and self-protecting, or willing to easily expose my underbelly? when my spouse exposes his or her frailties, what do i do with that? am i affirming and encouraging, or do i go for the jugular? there’s no question that we’ve all been wounded at some point or another by the one closest to us. when that happens, how do i respond? do i retaliate in kind? do i keep my deepest thoughts, my dreams, my failures to myself because i am afraid of getting hurt? or are we healthy enough as a couple that i can forgive, and allow myself to be vulnerable again? emotional intimacy simply cannot exist in an environment where each spouse is afraid of emotional nakedness. if there is a sentinel on duty, posted at the gates of my heart, warding off any potential attack from my spouse, then we cannot share our hearts with each other.

we all know of a marriage where both partners co-habitate under the same roof, but there is no depth, no softness, no susceptiblity to each other, no emotional nakedness. tragic. if that is your conditon, it is not too late to turn things around. do some soul searching, and be honest, first, with yourself. ask yourself some of the self-evaluation questions we noted earlier.

then ask your spouse “do i make you feel safe? have i ever wounded you when you made yourself vulnerable to me?’” caution: don’t ask this question at the family dinner table. set aside a time when you can be alone, perhaps after the kids are in bed, or you are both out having coffee together. invite your spouse to be gently honest with you, and when your mate answers your question, don’t make excuses, just listen. if your spouse tells you that you have indeed wounded him/her, then apologize. ask for forgiveness. remember, at this point, it is your loved one’s perception of the situation that you are most interested in. in time, as you learn to protect each other’s soft spots, affirming each other at every opportunity, your confidence and sense of safety will increase. take the first step by making yourself vulnerable, and see how that will encourage your mate to do the same. carl s. avery said, “love enables you to put your deepest feelings and fears in the palm of your partner’s hand, knowing they will be handled with care”.

here are some additional quotes to chew on:

“the only love worthy of a name is unconditional” john powell

“when you make a sacrifice in marrige, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship” joseph campbell

“when we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. but to grow up is to accept vulnerability – to be alive is to be vulnerable” madeleine l’engle

** please note we are not addressing relationships where physical abuse is an issue. that is another subject for another time. **

cloning myself = bad idea

why is it so important to us to be the same?

kids are always trying to be the same as their friends. dress the same, do the same things, have the same toys. then when we reach adolescence we try so hard to express our individuality – yet somehow we all look the same while we do it.

those of us who remember the 60’s and the 70’s – all the hippies expressing their feelings against the “establishment” – all did so in the same manner. when punk became popular – thousands of kids – all dressing the same and listening to the same music – again showing how “different” they all were. so many subcultures - goth, rave, emo – cookie cuttered together.

when we grow up, most adults would tell you that they strive to express themselves. to be themselves. to be their own person. ok, sounds great.

think about this: if we prize our individuality so much, why then, when it comes to our marriages, do husbands and wives try so hard to be the same? we attempt, whether we always recognize it or not, to get our spouse to do things the way we do things. to think like we do, to address conflict the same way we do. well, don’t we? we’re thrown off guard when we discover that we have so many dissimilarities. hello?

it is ironic that way back then, we were attracted to our mate because of many of those distinctions. now, our variations can be the very issues that escalate into deal breakers in our marriages.

gunther and i are about as different as you can possibly be. and yes, it was because gunther was so different from me that I fell so hopelessly in love with him, and he with me. little did we know that in the years to come, we would have our work cut out for us.

certain situations seem to trigger our differentness fairly easily. take, for example, travelling.

last weekend, we decided to head down to southern california to visit our son and his family. generally we pack our own gear. gunther has an old army duffle bag that belonged to his dad. it is his favorite “suitcase”. whatever he needs for the trip gets crammed and shoved into that bag. when we reach our destination? you guessed it, in order to unpack, the duffle bag gets upended, usually onto the floor.

i like to use a suitcase. i can fold my clothes in such a way that with a glance i can see what i have with me, and what outfit variations i have available to me. the more choices the better. when we arrive wherever we are going, if i can’t unpack into a dresser or a closet, i can keep everything neat and tidy during our stay.

gunther cannot comprehend why i need so many choices. i don’t see how he can think through the mess.

decision making is another huge divergence in our home. gunther likes to take his time, contemplating every angle, making sure he’s gathered all his facts. even when he thinks out loud, and sounds as though he’s come to a decision, i have learned not to be fooled. there may be a whole lot more thinking that has to take place before he lands. he won’t make a decision until he’s confident that he has examined the issue from all sides.

on most issues, i tend to make fairly quick decisions. i gather what information i think i will need, match that information against any applicable goals, morals, scheduling, whatever, and bam! decision made.

one more example: socially, i think i would’ve been a hermit if i had not married gunther. seriously, i could’ve holed away with a good book for most of my adult life. thanks to my husband’s stretching affect on me, i have learned to extend much farther. i enjoy most social functions, and can hold my own in a crowd. but i am still a wallflower at heart.

gunther adores people, adores social settings, loves to be in the middle of a crowd. he’s always been the people guy. he is as comfortable chatting with a perfect stranger, as he is with his own family.

these are only a few of dozens of examples in our relationship. when we carry these differences into our everyday living - you can imagine all the ways we have to deal with our differentness. i think most of us agree – appreciating and living with someone’s uniqueness can be challenging.

i heard a great story recently that has helped me allow for our distinctions: a man and his wife decide they are going to go to the top of the skyscraper so that they can see the view from the top. they get to the lobby and she sits down to put on her jogging shoes. she wants to take the stairs. no way! he says. he has no intention of climbing all those steps, he wants to take the elevator. so they exasperate themselves and each other struggling to change the other’s mind. the reality is that they both have the same goal – they want to get to the top. so why not embrace their differences and let the other one get there they way he or she wants? they can still enjoy the view together – which was the whole point in the first place.

i’m learning – again – to give my husband space to be himself. truth is, i like that he’s not like me. i like it a lot. he’s not going to do things my way. i’m not going to do things his way. it’s ok. we will live. and we can adapt. we are adults.

sameness = boring. vive la difference!

these are our two youngest grandchildren. ethan (the blondie) wanted his peanuts neatly kept in the drink slot of the cooler. he wanted to eat his snack from his “plate” – alone.

wyatt, wanted to share. he wanted to experience snack eating together with his cousin.

two different styles. you see the conflict it produced? they are not adults.

the story of sam

meet samuel jon. this is sam at a little over a year of age.

this story is very hard for me to tell, but i felt it was time to share it publicly. my hope is that others can learn what i learned, without having to suffer what i went through in order to learn it.

for the most part, gunther and i have a healthy relationship. yet, we are not without our problems. like most couples, there are those issues that we skirt around: things i bring to his attention that he does not see, areas of weakness in my life that my husband may point out, but I choose to disregard. the popular rationale tends to be that because the criticism comes from our spouse it must not be valid. after all, what does he know? he’s just being crabby, or critical, or it’s really his issue, not mine. right? are you with me? you know what i’m talking about, don’t you?

several years ago, gunther pointed out to me that i was afraid. me. afraid. whatever. i was raised to be a strong, independent, often adventurous woman. and i am. yet from time to time, as a result of something i would say, or do, he would express concern at an undercurrent of fear in my life. as the months progressed he brought this “fear” to my attention – often. it began to become a source of real irritation for me – and one of concern for gunther. i continued to disregard his comments and to insist that he was perhaps not seeing things as clearly as he supposed.

(look at the expression on this little man's face - gives you a clue into his personality!)

one weekend we went to a marriage seminar put on by our church. we like to “tune up” our marriage when we have the chance. bob and carolyn whitaker were the speakers. something bob said that weekend hit me like a ton of bricks: (paraphrased) “we tend to disregard the remarks made about us by our mate – when in fact, because our mate is the closest person to us, it is actually their observations that we should take the most to heart”.

immediately i knew. not that i agreed with what gunther had been telling me, but rather that i at least needed to examine whether there was validity before i just tossed out what he had to say. i remember feeling a little scared (hmm, that’s curious isn’t it?) and i offered up a quick prayer, “Lord, i’m sure my husband’s out to lunch on this one, but just in case, if there is any fear in my life, would You please show me?” subject closed. moved on.

fast forward a couple months. as a regular practice, each summer our entire family spends a week together at the lake. we love water sports and we love each other, and it’s a great time to connect and play and relax. this particular year we went to lake shasta. oh - i love that place. we rented a vacation home at the lake, and the fun began.

we came from all directions, and there were a lot of cars parked on the street in front of the house. one day, a couple days into the week, we were all taking a break after lunch, relaxing before the next wakeboarding run. i thought i would go out front and move some of the vehicles off the street. i wanted to park them more tightly on the driveway so the neighbors would not be upset with us (ask anyone who lives on a street where there are vacation houses – it can be a real pain for the locals).

(sam and his big sissy)

i moved the first couple of cars and was backing the 3rd car into place, driving onto a big pebbled portion of the drive, when i felt a bump. i stopped - curious – hmm – must’ve just been a bigger rock amongst the pebbles – moved again – again a bump.

then i heard the screams.

i could tell they were coming from under the car. i recognized the tiny voice as that of our then youngest grandchild, samuel. he was only 18 mos. old at the time. i opened the car door, my heart in my throat. some of our guys heard the crying and ran to the car – within seconds they had literally lifted up the car and pulled sam out from under it.

somehow samuel had followed me out of the house - unseen. he had been knocked down and scraped up. miraculously, there was a depression in the dirt, and he fell right into it. there was barely enough room between samuel and the undercarriage of the car. centimeters, really. quick examination proved that the tires had missed him – the car had driven over him, but did not drive on him. he was scraped, bruised and terrified, but physically okay.

i, on the other hand, was in hysterics. even as i write this the tears are streaming down my face. the shame. the guilt. the “what ifs”. the reality that i could’ve killed my precious grandson. gunther ran to me and grabbed me as i collapsed in his arms, sobbing. the first thing out of my mouth was tremendously revealing: i gulped through the sobs, “the thing i have feared the most has come upon me”.

and then again i knew. i was afraid. afraid that something might happen to someone i love. afraid of loss. afraid of accidents and peril. afraid of failure. afraid of fear. afraid.

fear is a terrible enemy. to live in fear is to invite all kinds of bondage and paralysis. it opens doors and access points to darkness and evil. that may sound extreme, but think for a moment – you probably know someone whose life is marked with fear. how has it affected them, and their family? the outcome is just no good.

i knew at the time of the accident that i would need help in identifying and routing fear in my life. so without delay, when we returned from vacation i set about immediately to get the assistance i needed. somehow i knew that if i put it off, i might talk myself into not following through. “i can handle this on my own”, “i don’t really want others to know what i did”, or “it’s not all that bad after all.” i am thankful that i was able to get support – and fast. i needed to face the fears, and deal with them - to address the guilt and the shame of having run over sam. i am grateful to those who helped me through the fear. grateful to my family and my children for their mercy toward me.

i am thankful for God’s grace, especially to forgive myself for what happened. you could’ve told me until you were blue in the face that i wasn’t to blame, but i needed to forgive myself nonetheless. i needed to allow myself to receive the mercy offered me so that i could find peace.

and i am thankful for our friend james. james had been housesitting for us in our absence. when he learned of the incident, he was overcome. for two days at the beginning of the week – he was so troubled that he literally could not sleep. he could not shake the feeling in his gut that something awful, something terribly horrible was going to happen to our family. he prayed, and he prayed and he prayed for God to protect us and to avert disaster. he prayed, until, at last, a sense of peace replaced the sense of doom. thank you my friend. thank you for fighting when we weren’t even aware there was a war. your goodness to our entire family has not been forgotten.

is there a moral to all this? maybe several. i still don’t like it when gunther points out my faults or my failures – but if i can’t take it from the one who loves me the most, who can i take it from? God in His divine care, will sometimes allow us to suffer so that He can work more of His character into our lives. and remember, God never sleeps. He’s got your back. no need to fear with a Guardian like that.

a word to husbands

Recently Vickey and I were able to get away for a little while and enjoy some rest and relaxation. We stayed with some friends at Lake Almanor, near Mt. Lassen. We drunk in the beauty around us, played, and had a great time just being together.

Vickey and I like each other's company, and I realized how grateful I am that we have learned to treat each other with respect - it hasn't always been the case.

I have observed a trend in many households that concerns me. I’m talking about the way in which family members speak to each other: a husband barks at his wife, the mother clips harsh directives to their children, children yelling at their parents...seeds that produce bitter fruit. I want to speak first and primarily to husbands about this. Hey guys, as leaders in our homes - the buck stops with us. What we initiate will trickle down through the rest of the family. It’s too easy to blame the Mrs. for what’s going on in our homes, when, in fact, we can lead by example, and set the tone in our family. Men, take a tip from someone who’s been around long enough to learn at least a couple of things.

Eric Hoffer, author and longshoreman philospher said “Rudeness is a weak imitation of strength”. Being the man of the house doesn’t mean treating your wife with disrespect. Think again about how you address your best girl and remember how you said things when you were convincing her about yourself. If you’re not sure if you are speaking kindly to your Mrs., just ask her. She’ll tell you if your tone gets abrasive, or if her feelings are hurt. It may affect your pride but the wisdom book says “…whoever heeds correction, shows he is wise.”

The way you talk to your wife, will also set the tone with your children. I like this quote: Fred Astaire once said, “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” How can we expect our children to treat us with respect, when we do not give respect to each other, or to our kids? Do your children see you blaming your wife, speaking harshly, even contemptuously to her at times? They are going to follow suit and treat her the same way you do.

Just to press the point, I’ll go one step further. I Peter 3:7 states “. . . be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers”. Whoa - your prayers hindered? Like – answers could be delayed – or held up – or not come? Think about that one. This warning is very vivid to us now with ''call waiting'' in which one party abruptly says ''Excuse me while I get this other line!" In context this might refer specifically to the husband’s prayer! This one verse speaks volumes about how important our treatment of our wives is to the Lord. So much so, that He literally will turn a deaf ear to our requests. Been wondering why you aren’t getting the answers you‘ve been asking for? Examine your manners. Could it be that you have treated your wife with less than the respect that is due her?

Your family may be entrenched in some unhealthy practices, but you can change the cycle, and turn this thing around. Be patient, be kind, be polite - - - and just see the affect that it has on your wife, and even your children.

And a note to the wives - if your husband already practices good manners - tell him how much you appreciate the way he treats his family. We can all use the encouragement.

family can be a good thing

i love it when everyone comes “home”. all the kids, all the grandkids. we eat. we talk. we laugh. during one such weekend the scene looked like this: one grandchild spilled soap bubbles in one bedroom. another grandchild had an accident in the other bedroom. some of the boys shot hoops in the driveway. our granddaughter demonstrated her “kung fu ballet” in the living room. the babies tried to play the piano. one child was either chasing or squeezing one of the dogs. someone else took a nap. nothing earth changing. no great pearls of wisdom to share. but lots of mess, and noise, and activity, . . . something happening in every corner of this big ol’ house.

people comment all the time, what a large, loving family we have. and it’s true, we do have a large, loving family. but there’s a lot that goes on behind the scenes of this affectionate tribe. we get irritated at each other. even angry at times. we inconvenience each other. we step on each other’s toes. we can get in each other’s faces. we are a group of leaders with strong opinions about pretty much everything.

gunther and i have been very intentional about cultivating this family together. there has been one guiding truth that has navigated us through the occasional tiffs and struggles – we choose to love each other, and loving each other is more important to us than being right. if we have to agree to disagree on certain issues, then we will do all we can to make our peace, humble ourselves, and forgive. it is our goal not to stay angry – not to hang on to our hurts. it’s not easy - it can mean confrontation and vulnerability. it takes honesty. it means revealing “hey, that hurt me” and “there’s something between us that needs to be made right”. it can be hard work.

when those situations arise, what helps is remembering that we love each other and are for each other. when you know you’re on the same team, it’s a lot easier to work through the muck.

truth is, we’re not all that unique. we have lots of skeletons in our family closet. our collective background is not all that pretty. i mean issues. but rather than allowing our family history to define us, we’ve chosen to establish our own legacy, and by God’s grace, deal with our stuff.

the payoff? a large, loving family. we have vital growing relationships with each other, and we are priviledged to be a part of one another’s lives.

not there yet? take heart and begin with one member of your family - do all you can to make a connection. this cliche can ring true: “let it begin with me”, or “be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.” the saying goes “you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family”, but consider what could happen if you were to invest in your family, and your relatives were to become your friends too.


here are some photos from our easter weekend together; it was family madness.







the kids enjoying the bounce house.

Gamma enjoyed it too!

we decided to include a little family competition - including a ballooon launching contest, and a pie eating contest.

we were thrilled that our daughter-in-law's parents decided to join us for the easter celebration. here is gunther and gail. at the end of the competition, gunther decided to plant his pie in gail's face. in the true spirit of family - she got him right back!

it was a celebration worth remembering!

the wedding standard

cameron ingalls recently interviewed us for "the wedding standard".

cameron is an amazingly gifted wedding photographer; someone who has raised the bar in his industry. in a world where the competition is stiff, one of the unique things about cameron’s talent is that he is so willing to give away what he has learned. as a result he has encouraged and inspired scores of other’s to pursue their dreams.

although we are continually impressed at what cameron produces from behind the lens, he has so many other skills and characteristics that are even more outstanding. so that you won't think we are biased simply because he is our son-in-law – you need to know the truth - we actually fell in love with him before anna did.

please check out our interview.

the beauty of a budget

i hate budgeting. seriously hate it. why do i hate it so much? first of all, it’s a time consuming exercise. time i would rather spend doing just about – well, anything. plus it forces you to really look at where you’ve been spending your money, which can be a painful reality. a budget hits you where it hurts. translation: following a budget can mean not being able to do some things that we really like to do. it can mean sacrifice and restriction.

sometimes the process of setting up a budget produces conflict. one of vickey’s love languages is gift giving. we do not see eye to eye when it comes to allotting a dollar amount to that category. i have a little better handle on the costs involved in maintaining and ultimately replacing a vehicle. this is another area that can bring some disagreement. what about haircuts? entertainment? see the potential for conflict here? it can take some discussion time, and patience, before any compromise, and then agreement can be made.

there’s no denying that for some couples adhering to a budget can be gruelingly painful. establishing a spending plan requires gut-level honesty with each other, sometimes even forgiveness and understanding. most definitely it means a change in spending habits. and there, boys and girls is where the rubber meets the road.

recently we established a new budget. we’ve set up a spending plan before, but in the last few years we have not followed it as closely as we’d like. with global financial developments taking their toll, our household has not been unaffected. so, in the interest of prudence – and in trying to make ends meet – we agreed it was time to visit our “budget” once more, and really make a commitment to stick to it.

we re-did our budget at the end of december. it’s been a month or so and we need to make a few adjustments. we’ll go back to the drawing board to see how we did – some areas we budgeted too high, others too low. we need to take a good look at how we did and if we biffed on the budget - find out why. honesty, forgiveness, trust, understanding. it all comes into play.

the actual following of the budget can, at times, be difficult. sure, there are things we’d like to do, that for now, we just can’t. or rather, we choose not to. saying “no” to yourself is not a popular american practice.

the good news is that we have a mutual goal – we know what we’re trying to achieve financially. and we remind ourselves constantly that sacrifice now, may pay off later. in today’s economy – the goal of many is simple - plain survival: making ends meet in spite of the loss of a job, or increasing fuel prices, or the loss of a home. for others the goal may be a comfortable retirement, college funds, a nice vacation, debt payoff, buying a home or even leaving an inheritance for your children.

any negatives of budgeting are more than balanced by the positives: living within your means, achieving your financial goals, even learning how to work together as a couple is a big plus.

when i say i hate budgeting – i mean it. but it hurts so good, if you know what i mean. as a married couple, we encourage each other and help to keep each other on track. it feels good when we see the plan successfully working. we have setbacks, everybody does. sometimes it’s two steps forward - one step back. when the setbacks come, we strategize again, adjust the figures if need be, or explore together what other options need to be considered.

if you haven’t already budgeted - there are lots of materials out there to help get you started. we recommend any of larry burkett's materials, or dave ramsey's stuff. both of their websites have free downloadable forms to help get you started. you can also explore your library, your local church, and even community professionals for what’s available.

take a deep breath and dive in. if we can do it – anybody can.